Grace: You said that money was no object.
Karen: Honey, that's just a saying, like, "Ooh, that sounds like fun," or "I love you."

Grace: Your cook's name is "Cook"?
Karen: No, Grace, he has a name. I just don't remember it. No wait a minute, it'll come to me, it'll come to me... "Where are my damned eggs... Paul!" Paul. God, Paul is dead. Now who the hell is gonna cook for us?

Grace: Your lips can go from here [points to Will's lips] to HERE! [points to her butt]

Guard: Name, please?
Karen: Karen Walker. I'm Stanley Walker's wife.
Guard: Excuse me?
Karen: [shouts] I'm his bitch! Okay? Is that what you want to hear? I'm Stanley Walker's bitch! And I'm his one and only, just in case you pervs get any ideas during those lonely nights at lockdown--
Guard: Ma'am, I just couldn't hear what you said.
Karen: Oh, I'm Karen Walker. Oh my God, I have that same gun!

Jack: Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet. The world should know the truth about C-3P0.
Will: Jack, C-3P0 is not gay. He's British.

Jack: FYI, folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.

Jack: Gosh, Grace, it was so sweet of you to cook Will and Karen dinner.
Grace: Well, you know, I just figured after a long day at the divorce hearing, it would be nice to come back to a home-cooked meal.
Jack: You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven.
Grace: Thanks Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there, too.

Jack: Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob?
Karen: It's only smaller when its scared.

Jack: Hey friends, lovers, mothers and other strangers! You are never going to believe what happened to me. [trips] Oh, my God, did you see that? I almost did a half-nelson. I almost bruised my delicates, my delicates, my domo arigatos, mister tomatoes. Huge news! I have met -- are you ready for this? Mister Right. Well, Mister Right Now anyway, ba-dum-dum. Goodnight folks, I'm here all week! Jack 2000! He works over at the Jumpin' Java. You know, that coffee shop over on 72nd, and his name is Paul, and he is cute with a capital Q! And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets; and the hotter he gets, the sweatier he gets; and the sweatier he gets... I forgot where I am going with this, but the point is, me likey he and he likey me, and the best part is -- shazam! He gives me free ice coffee every time I go in, which is every hour on the hour and, thank you very much, and occasionally on the half hour. Ba-da-da-da-da-da! [blows raspberry]

Jack: Hmm, let's take a look at a little clip from when it was still the "Michael and Will Show"... before it was canceled. "Will, can I change your throw pillows?" "No!" "Will, can I put my sweaters on your shelf?" "No!" "Will, can anyone live with a control freak nightmare like you? I'm gonna say 'no.'"

Jack: How sorry am I? "S" is for how very sad you make me feel. "O" is for, oh, how very bad you make me feel. "R" is for how wrong you make me feel.
Zandra: And the other "R" is for how rotten you are. Get off. Get off the stage! I don't want to even look at you any more.

Jack: I couldn't help overhearing... because I was standing here listening.

Jack: I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.
Will: Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.
Jack: Insert laugh... here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?
Will: Smelly.
Grace: Hairy.
Jack: Thank you, friends.
Karen: Bacne. Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.

Jack: I met Karen's mother. She's not dead. She's a cocktail waitress. It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven. Oh, my God. Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old? Cute little pumps, cute little martini, cute little pills. Ah-ha-ha. Anyway, from then on they moved around a lot until Lois met a man, a ne'er-do-well named Bernie. Or was it Todd? I don't know. I can't remember, 'cause at that point I zoned out 'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar. Oh, his name was Todd. That's right. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Anyway, what did I do with his number? Actually, when Karen was 16, her and her mother had some big falling-out, and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was; but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts. All this is in my movie. I smell sequel.
[Will pushes Jack out the door.]
Grace: Wow. Karen has a mother?

Jack: I... love this dog! We totally bonded. We just sat there together in the park. He checked out butts. I checked out butts.