Mac: This serves as a preemptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay, and... Beaver and I occasionally, you know, make out.
Veronica: I made out once, back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth.
Mac: So, not that I'm an expert in this stuff, but four months, typical high school boy - there should be some... under-the-bra action, no?
Veronica: Let me consult my 'Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior': basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know?
Mac: Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly."
Veronica: So four months and nada?
Mac: Hand holding, kissing.
Veronica: Tongue?
Mac: Some tongue.
Veronica: Ass grabbing?
Mac: Helped me brush the dog hair off my pants once.

Madison: Pretty Woman is still my favorite movie. Vivian is, like, my hero.
Veronica: She's a hooker.
Gia: Only because she had to be.
Veronica: She's a hooker.

Madison: Regular soda? Why didn't you just fill the cup with lard?

Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around.
Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean "standing while black"?

Marcos: [as "Cap'n Krunk"] The winner of this week's "Cock of the Walk" Countdown -
Butters: [as "Imitation Crab"] Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.
Marcos: It's Logan Echolls.
Butters: That's 40 weeks running.
Marcos: Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. [splash sound effect]
Butters: Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.
Marcos: I'm saving up for that very day.
Butters: Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.

Max: [showing Mac how his term-paper website works.] For the dumb, billable links at the top, disguised as functions.
Mac: So they link without realizing.
Max: And I make a dollar. See, the point of the Internet is to make money off of stupid people.
Logan: I like how you think, Max.
Mac: That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering.
Max: That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering.
Mac: Well, it won't be laughing when I crash your greedy little evil website.
Max: I'll be laughing when you try.
Mac: Will you? Maybe I'm in your trusted-host table already.
Logan: Should I get a camera? There's gotta be someone out there that'd pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action.

Max: Can you still find her?
Veronica: Um... yes. But she'll still be a prostitute.
Max: I'm not stupid, Veronica, okay? We had something, I know it. There are some things you can't fake.
Veronica: And there are some things women are universally known for faking, and this girl is a professional.
Max: When I dropped her off at the airport, she had tears in her eyes.
Veronica: Are you sure she wasn't thinking of the cab fare back?

Meg: [about Leo] Wow, Veronica, he totally wants to protect and serve you.

Meg: Caz is always flirty with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs.

Meg: What did you score?
Cole: Ugh, 91...
Dick: Dude, Snow White took it and scored an 89!

Meg: You don't want to drink that.
Veronica: Why?
Meg: I'm betting Madison gave you a trip to the dentist. It's her thing. She does it to people she doesn't like. She spits in a cocktail and calls it a trip to the dentist. 'Cause we're in eighth grade.

Mercer: Unicorns? Really? Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. Good. We're on the same page. It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone...because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I...have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns and your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. I mean, that's hardly a crime.

Miss James: You know what, it sounds like you blame Veronica.
Logan: You know, Veronica was my friend too. And if she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. And I blame myself for being stupid. And I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.
Miss James: You know, there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, you might be dead too.
Logan: And what is so great about living?

Mr Daniels: This is punishment, gentlemen, not party time.
Logan: Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.

Mr. Wu: Homecoming season is upon us...
Veronica: Much like the plague.