Mrs. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.
Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.
Dick: Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.
Gia: I heard her husband left her for a man.
Dick: And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.
Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?
Mrs. Hauser: No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.
Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.
Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

Mrs. Hauser: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money.
Veronica: Is that a record?

Mrs. Hauser: Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... [takes animatronic baby out of box] Welcome to Parenthood.
Veronica: So that's where babies come from.

Mrs. Murphy: (catches Veronica whispering to Meg) Veronica, you seem to be in a sharing mood. Why don't you tell us your position on this?
Dick: All fours.

Mrs. Murphy: You always ask to go to the bathroom during this period.
Logan: I know. It's that 12-pack I slam at lunch. It goes right through me.

Ms. Dent: Can I help you with something?
Veronica: Uh, yeah. The counselor stuck me in here. [Ms. Dent walks over to take informational papers from her] She says I'm disconnected and passionless.
Caitlin: Ms. Dent?
Ms. Dent: Caitlin?
Caitlin: I'm gonna go down to the gym to talk to people for the student poll.
Ms. Dent: Be back by the end of the period. And remember that we're a multicultural school with a diverse population of students from a wide range of socio-economic backgrounds.
Caitlin: Meaning?
Ms. Dent: Meaning don't just interview your friends.

Ms. Dent: Good morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper.
Veronica: Sure, I'll write it up this afternoon.
Ms. Dent: The election's tomorrow.
Veronica: And I can already see the headline: "Brown-Nosing Resumé Packer Wins in a Landslide."

Paul: Where have you been?
Heidi: We have a whole lifetime for stories. Let's do this thing. [to priest] Lay it on me, preacher man.
Paul: Uh, I demand to know what you've been up to.
Heidi: I didn't ask you what you were doing for your bachelor party. And after finding whipped cream in your underwear, I think I was entitled.
Paul: You were entitled? You - the one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have gotten a nipple pierced.
Heidi: How can you say that to me? Like I would ever sex up a drummer. Lead singer, yes. Maybe the occasional guitar player...

Piz: I-it's a nice day. Let's go eat outside. Veronica? Come on.
Lout: Looks even more familiar from behind.
Piz: I promise you, karma's going to take care of that guy for you.
Veronica: I know. I'm gonna run him over with my "karma."

Piz: So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?
Wallace: The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.
Veronica: Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.
Piz: I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.
Mac: Wait, you have an inner one?

Piz: You know, you're adorable when you surveil.

Rat boy: We saw you get ripped off.
Veronica: You're twelve. What were you doing up at Hearst?
Ferret boy: Checking out the college girls laying out. Some of them go topless.
Wallace: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up right there, son. Tell us exactly where this sunbathing goes on.
Ferret boy: South quad, where that statue is.
Veronica: What are you saying you saw?
Piz: Is it the Randolph Hearst statue, or the amorphous blobby thing?

Rev. Capistrano: Try to be forgiving. It's the only way. Anger will tear you down. It'll make you less of the person that you want to be. And it will tear apart your soul. The Bible teaches us that he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit can capture a city. He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

Sacks: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.
Veronica: My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.

Sacks: Sheriff would like to have a word with you.
Logan: And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twins sandwich, but...
Sacks: Will you come with me, please?
Logan: If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. [Sacks cuffs Logan.] Now that's more like it.
Sacks: You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.
Logan: Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.