Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon--sue me--and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.

Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I've heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "lilkidlover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Michael:Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.

Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: Oh, just you know--politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.

Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight: I'm a Sith lord!!

Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
[pause]
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.