Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.

Jan: Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I'm very nervous.

Jim : Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael : What?
Jim : And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim : Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.

Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just--
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um--I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea--
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: --what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Season 3

Jim: Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.

Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.

Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

Michael: *throws up in barf bag* I'm on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin.

Michael: [calling from the conference room] Pam, come in here please.
Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: [Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.

Michael: [on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?

Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
Michael: Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

Michael: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who's going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael: That's what she said!

Michael: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.