Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business; she's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada â€� I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She's been waiting for me all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Dwight: When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.

Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".

Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Dwight: You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.

Dwight: You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael: [tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!

Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
Michael: That is true.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Jan...Ryan.

Erin: And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and... I don't know. I couldn't keep up.

Erin: Did you grow up around here?
Kevin: No.
Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin: Yes.

Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy: Ah, OK.
Erin: It's about you.
Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin: It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy: Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?
Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?

Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special and she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive...and I believe him.
Webisodes

Erin: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?
Pam: Um, two?
Erin: That's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear.