The Office (US) quotes
370 total quotesDwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.
Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.
Dwight: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity, I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.
Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.
Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.
Dwight: Schrute farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've gone too far.
Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers.
Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Dwight: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!
Jim: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[cut to Jim and Pam in interview]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!
Jim: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[cut to Jim and Pam in interview]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Dwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
Dwight: This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.
Dwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Andy: That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy: Light side.
Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
Dwight: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy: Light side.
Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
Dwight: Thank you, Andy.