Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. As soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll have that power back on.

Dwight: Bear my child.
Angela: Excuse me?
Dwight: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Dwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Dwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight: Meat grinder.
Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.
Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight: My title has "manager" in it.
Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Dwight: Hope... grows
Michael: ...in a dump.

Dwight: I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Dwight: I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.
Kelly: Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.

Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Dwight: I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.