Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Creed: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Creed: Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

Creed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?

Creed: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Creed: You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.

Darryl: I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.

Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. "Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa."
[cut to Darryl in interview]
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.

David Wallace: A cheese platter?
Andy: Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.

Deangelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut I was itchy for three days, OK? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.

Deangelo: To beginnings and endings.
Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo: The moms and the troops.
Michael: Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo: I won't. I don't know her.
Michael: I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Deangelo: Colorado! The Sunshine State.
Michael: Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
Deangelo: Doing some skiing?
Michael: No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo: Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.