Kermit: I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

Kermit: I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
Fleet: What a headline! Muppets' Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
Kermit: Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
Fleet: What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppets Desperate For Publicity!

Kermit: Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
Fozzie: Yeah.
Kermit: Hey, Scooter, what's next?
Scooter: Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
Kermit: What the hey?

Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

Kermit: You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

Link Hogthrob: At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
Piggy: You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.

Link Hogthrob: First Mate Miss Piggy.
Fozzie: Er, yes, sir!
Link: Did you shave this morning?

Milton Berle: I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Parrot: You don't love me any more.
John: Of course I love you. I'm working now!
Parrot: And you're making a lousy job of it.
John: [pulling a gun] You wanna be an ex-parrot?

Sam the Eagle [approaches the podium for the announcement]: I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! [to somebody] What do I do? [leaves the podium]

Scooter: Oh, what's this?
Fozzie: [in disguise] What does it look it like, small boy I have never seen before?

Statler: [after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
Waldorf: Really? I kind of liked it.
Statler: Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

Statler: Hey, bro!
Berle: What?
Statler: Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
Berle: Really?
Statler: You work like Gregory Peck.
Berle: Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
Statler: Well?
Berle: Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
Waldorf: How come we got this half?
Berle: Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
Statler: That's right.
Berle: What's right?
Statler: We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
Berle: Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
Waldorf: You first!
Berle: "Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't paying any attention to old folks. Let me tells the story.
Statler: Hey, bro!
Berle: Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
Statler: You know what you're doing wrong?
Berle: What I'm doing wrong?
Statler: Standing too close to the audience.
Berle: Oh, yeah? How is this?
Statler: You're still too close.
Berle: Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
Statler: Now little more.
Berle: How far back do you want me to go?
Statler: You got a car?
Berle: Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
Waldorf: He can't. He's too busy.
Berle: Doing what?
Waldorf: Keeping people in!
Berle: (to the audience) And you encourage him! Thath's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
Waldorf: Please not while I'm holding it.
Berle: That's very funny.
Waldorf: Ah, you can use it.
Berle: I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Statler: How come they never reach your mouth?
Berle: Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
Statler: Not so far!
Berle: Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
Statler: I couldn't do worse.
Berle: Allright.
Waldorf: We should.
Berle: Oh, yeah? You sing?
Statler: No.
Berle: You dance?
Statler: No.
Berle: Can you get laughs?
Statler: No
Berle: Then what would you do?
Waldorf: Just what your doing.
Berle: Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
Statler: Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.

Statler: I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
Statler: The seats face the stage!

Statler: So, what did you think?
(Chef and chicken chase continues)
Waldorf: I hate running gags!