The Muppet Show quotes

172 total quotes



All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 2   Season 3   Season 4   Season 5  



Floyd: Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
Kermit: Oh, good!
Floyd: If...
Kermit: Uh-huh? If what?
Floyd: If I can write the new theme song.
Kermit: Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
Floyd: No, it won't, man.
Kermit: Uh, why not?
Floyd: You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
Kermit: Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
Floyd: Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
Kermit: You don't?
Floyd: If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

Floyd: Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
Lou: Why not, man? The cat is good.
Floyd: No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

Fozzie: [handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys � here is the musical moment for this week.
Rowlf the Dog: Uh... [reading] Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
Fozzie: Go get them!
Kermit: And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
Fozzie: Trust me.

Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie: That was my wife!

Fozzie: Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.
Kermit: What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.
Fozzie: Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.

Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!
Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!

Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
Kermit: You pay him by the line?
Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.

Fozzie: You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
Floyd: Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]

Gilda: [to Bunsen] Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

Gonzo: [to the cow] Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

Gonzo: Could I help you out?
Berle: Please.
Gonzo: Which way did you came in?

Gonzo: Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
Fozzie: I don't know, what's on stage now?
Gonzo: Nothing.
Fozzie: NOTHING'S ON STAGE?

Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.

Gonzo: Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

Gonzo: Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams! Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
Miss Piggy: Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard, HAI-YA!
Season 2 (1978-1979)