Sheldon: [in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [pulls down paintball visor] And that's what we're going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
Howard: DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
Sheldon: [getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!

Sheldon: [playing Bavarian music while dressed in lederhosen; alongside Amy, who is in a pretzel costume. Speaking directly to the camera] Guten tag, das Youtube! Ich bein ein Bavarian.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Und ich bein ein a pretzel.
Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun-
Amy: -With-
Sheldon: -Flags.
{Leonard slowly closes the door shut, walking away]

Sheldon: Alright. An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing minor edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!

Sheldon: Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209? Clause 209 suspends our friendship.
Leonard: Where do I sign?

Sheldon: Congratulations, the Newcomb Medal...Oh, please. That's a scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.
Raj: Hey! I won a Newcomb Medal, too.
Sheldon: My point.

Sheldon: I always thought if I were enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale.

Sheldon: I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle-bunny!

Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement - Section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should've gotten a lawyer.

Sheldon: I help the weak. It's yet another way I'm exactly like Batman.

Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Amy: Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon: Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy: I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon: Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away!
Amy: I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon: Well, how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon: Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
Amy: We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? [turns on the music]
Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work! [Starts to hum music.]
Amy: May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon: You know I don't drink.
Amy: Not even, strawberry Quik?
Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon: Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often. [Realizes something] Uh-oh! [Amy beams]

Sheldon: I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood?
[Raj and Howard chuckle]
Sheldon: I don't understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?
...
Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood?
[Raj and Howard snicker]
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?

Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.
Stephen: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
Stephen: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon: [twitching] What do you mean wrong?
Stephen: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
Sheldon: No, no... that can't be right. [looking through paper] I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
Stephen: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[Sheldon faints dead away]
Stephen: Great, another fainter.

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Penny: I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good, on your way to see the lawyer pick some tea and cookies.

Sheldon: You've already signed something for me, Brent Spiner--your name on my list. From this moment on you are my mortal enemy!
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lotta your time.

[ Sheldon is talking to his Spock action figure in a dream, about accidentally breaking Leonard's transporter toy]
Sheldon: What's the problem with it? I have my transporter swapped in Leonard's box, and now he won't know that his is broken. Everyone's happy.
Spock: I'm not happy.
Sheldon: But I thought where you come from, they don't have emotions.
Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan.