Penny: [to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.
Penny: C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard: You're right.
Penny: Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

Penny: [to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts..

Penny: [While watching Raiders of the Lost Ark] You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon: That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's Thriller video, which I've never watched in its entirety as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also it's really scary.
Leonard: Can somebody please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
Sheldon: There's no switch, just listen and learn.

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?
Amy: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

Penny: Alrighty! What's new?
Amy: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.
Penny: Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was--you know--how's your life?
Amy: Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

Penny: Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.
Sheldon: I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Penny: There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.
Sheldon: Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?
Leonard: Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
Stuart: [walking by] I'd let it go.
Leonard: Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.
[Sheldon turns on another robot]
Penny: Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.
Penny: You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?
Sheldon: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, we'll buy you that one.
Leonard: Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: [mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]

Penny: Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?
Bernadette: I feel like I'm supposed to say �that bitch!��, but I don't have enough information.
Penny: I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
Penny: So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!
Amy: [to Bernadette] I think you're on.
Bernadette: Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?
Sheldon: Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh, well there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Penny: Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.
Amy: That's an amusing factoid.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
Amy: Is this true?
Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
Penny: So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
Penny: Wha-Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. 16?
Penny: 14.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193--minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so--172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.

Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now��[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh��"How are they hanging?"
Penny: [writing] Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask -- what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls��? Guys��? Sock puppets��?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon:Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.
Penny: Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

Penny: Oh, Leonard. If we moved in together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting classes were a waste of money.

Penny: OK, well, what do you communicate about?
Sheldon: Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
Penny: [spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
Leonard: Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.