[Howard and Raj are fighting. Eventually, Sheldon loses his cool]
Sheldon: Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!" "Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!" "Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!" "I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" [Sheldon storms out]
Howard: Boy, what got him so upset?
Raj: Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.

[Howard's phone rings]
Howard: Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette: Are you going answer it?
Howard: I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard: Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette: Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?
Howard: You live with your mother?
Bernadette: No. That's the sad part.
Howard: Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette: That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]
Howard: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette: I'd love some!
Howard: Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard: It's a date.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?

[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]
Kurt: So what are you, a zebra?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.

[Leonard and Amy are sitting alone at their table at a wedding reception]
Amy: Would you like to dance?
Leonard: [depressed] No, thank you. I'm not really much of a dancer.
[long pause]
Amy: Not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.
Leonard: I'm sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Amy: Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
Leonard: That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning.
Amy: [fed up] Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: I'm sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta-girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kinda-sorta-boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.

[Leonard is taking Sheldon's MVPD to work in their car]
Sheldon: I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
Leonard: Except, in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
Sheldon: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. [an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen] There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
Leonard: I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.

[Leonard knocks on Todd Zarnecki's front door]
Todd Zarnecki: Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
Raj: Don't say "Your doom". Who opens the door for their doom?
Sheldon: Good point. [to the door] Basket of puppies.

[Missy is leaving and Sheldon is saying goodbye to her.]
Sheldon: OK, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. [Puts his hand out for her to shake]
Missy: Come on Shelly. [Gives him a hug, which Sheldon does as well.]
Missy: I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: Yep. I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother, the Rocket Scientist.
[Sheldon looks in disbelief.]
Sheldon: You tell people I'm a Rocket Scientist?!
Missy: Well yeah.
Sheldon: I'm a theoretical physicist.
Missy: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?!
Missy: Goodbye, Shelly.
Sheldon: My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge! Rocket Scientist, how humiliating!

[Penny is trying to explain Raj's naïvete to Emily with Howard translating into sign language]
Penny: Raj is naïve. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women. [Howard gets distracted by two women at the reception desk behind them] and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy you lots of expensive things and I��[realizes that Howard hasn't been translating] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard: Right. [signing] Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny turns to him in shock. Emily is outraged and begins signing furiously]
Howard: [translating hastily] Oh, uh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself.

[Penny just gave Leonard and Sheldon each a vintage Star Trek transporter toy]
Sheldon: Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure!
Penny: Oh, that's great, let's open it up and put him in there!
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil and cradle the boxes defensively]
Sheldon: Oh, good lord, no!
Penny: Why? They're just toys.
Sheldon: Mint in box!
Penny: C'mon, can't we open one up and take a look?
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil again]
Leonard: No! Once you open the box it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

[Penny sneaks into Sheldon's room while he is asleep]
Penny: [whispering] Sheldon!
[She walks up to his bed]
Penny: [whispering] Sheldon.
Sheldon: [Jerking awake] Danger! Danger!
Penny: Sheldon, it's me.
Sheldon: You're in my bedroom.
Penny: I need your help.
Sheldon: People can't be in my bedroom.
Penny: Well, can we talk in the living room?
Sheldon: I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms.
Penny: Well, why not?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, can't you put on other pajamas?
Sheldon: I can't put on other pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas! Penny, people aren't supposed to be in my bedroom!

[Sheldon and Amy are talking in her apartment]
Sheldon: I was hoping she [Penny] might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
Amy: For general educational purposes or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne, you're mocking me.
Amy: Yes, I am.
Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident of our building.
Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
Sheldon: All right. Name your price.
Amy: [thinks] Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon: ��You mean like Salt Lake City?

[Sheldon comes in the apartment]
Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee, and gotten autographed comics, but I got to see the inside of his house, and got a signed form for a restraining order from him.
Howard: Sweet?
Sheldon: Plus I get to hang out with him again, at the hearing. [Walks off to his room] This will look great next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

[Sheldon is discussing Leonard's failed relationships with Penny]
Sheldon: So what is the "down" and the "low", and don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
Penny: We never got to the bedroom.
Sheldon: Because...?
Penny: OK, all right, you know what? I'll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?!

[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?
Penny: [holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be kinda slutty.
Leonard: [excited] You didn't!?
Penny: Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

[Sheldon is talking to a potential mate for Penny]
Sheldon: Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
Blaine: No?
Sheldon: Would you like to be?
[Leonard and Leslie look shocked and amused as they realise what's happening]
Blaine: Uh... Sure, why not?
Leonard: Sheldon -
Sheldon: [silences him] Can I have your phone number?
Blaine: [looks him up and down] Err... Yeah.
[A little too eagerly, he grabs Sheldon's hand and writes his number on his palm]