Shawn: My results speak for themselves; you just hold me to a different standard!
Henry: I do not!
Shawn: You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.
Henry: And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.
Shawn: Yeah, under a camouflage tarp covered in bricks and broken glass!
Henry: That was the giveaway! Pardon me for trying to challenge you!
Shawn: It took me three weeks to "close the egg investigation". I was eight!
Henry: Yeah, well, just so you know, there are still two eggs you haven't found.
Shawn: You're sick!

Shawn: Oh Sheriff. Didn't expect to see you here.
Sheriff Andrew Jackson: I live here. What do you mean?
Shawn: Of course you do. You're Randy's father. Yes, wow. You guys have Bob Barker, Doc Gooden, and Randy Jackson, all living in the same inlet town with no cars, cell phones, or internet.
Gus: Shawn, we need to pitch this to Mark Burnett!

Shawn: Oh, God. Oh, Dude, it reeks in here!
Tony Cox: Like Bigfoot's ass.

Shawn: Okay, just go with me here for a second. I know this is gonna sound crazy but what I'm thinking is we don't go to opening night of Scare Fest. We go next week maybe sometime in the afternoon when its not crowded at all.
Gus: Are you kidding? I spent the entire week finishing my route early. I took a vacation day.
Shawn: Oh no, Gus, why would you do that?
Gus: You asked me to.
Shawn: When?
Gus: The day they announced that they having Scare Fest again.
Shawn: I don't recall that.
Gus: I have your speech as a video file on my Blackberry, Shawn.
Shawn: All right, okay, enough with all the technology. Look, the truth is it's my horoscope: it says I should avoid places with urinal troughs and I just don't feel I can take the risk right now. I'm sure you understand. [Gus sobs quietly]
Shawn: Are you crying?
Gus: I'm disappointed, Shawn.
Shawn: God. [Gus continues to sob]

Shawn: Roy... May I call you Phil?
Roy: I'd rather you didn't.
Shawn: Fair enough.

Shawn: SQUASH THAT MELON!

Shawn: Take lots of pictures. Not of sights. Don't take pictures of buildings. Take pictures of moments, because that's what matters.

Shawn: The only thing that we were blinded with was...
Gus: Science!
Shawn: Never gets old.
Gus: Nope.

Shawn: We gotta do something to let them know they can trust us. Gus, give him the nod!
Gus: Shawn, the nod only works when it's me giving it to a brother behind the counter at Jamba Juice, not to an armed convict!

Shawn: We're not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie.
Gus: Not necessarily in that order.
Shawn: And it hasn't been.
Gus: No.
Shawn: We started with the pie.
Gus: Always.

Shawn: Well, I'm tight with Chris, and [Gus] loves Dickie.
Gus: What?!?

Shawn: You do realize this is the ending to True Romance?
Gus: That was a massacre, Shawn. Everybody died!
Shawn: That's not true. Christian Slater and Patty Arquette made it out alright.
Dickie: And Michael Rappaport!
Shawn: Good point, Dickie. I forgot about that.

Shawn: You just pressed my competitive button and now it's on.
Prescott: I'd be frightened if you were wearing any buttons.

Shawn: Your negativity... is clogging up my psychic signals. Do you mind keeping [the incredibly flirty receptionist Tanya] busy while I attempt to unclog them?
Juliet: And how am I supposed to do that?
Shawn: Gus would turn into Smooth Gus and try to pick her up.
Juliet: I am not hitting on a girl!
Shawn: Why, does that scare you? Or does that not scare you...? And does that scare you?

Tommy: Is this you ride? [Henry's pick up truck] Seriously?
Shawn: She may look like hell, she may sound like hell, she may run like, she may smell like hell...
Gus: Shawn...
Shawn: But she is fast as HELL.