Alice Bundy: And so now, on behalf of the entire suit of the broken hearts, Alice will now knob off the queen's head! [She pauses and laughs a bit] That sounded so much better out loud than it did in my head!

Amy Kessler: He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was--get this--Martin Brody.
Shawn: Martin Brody? [Pause] Roy Scheider's character from Jaws?
Amy Kessler: Yes. How did you know?
Shawn: ...I've seen Jaws.

Bianca: Ok, here goes. This is so scary. I was lying in bed watching "One Tree Hill," my favorite show. Chad Michael Murray is so hot. And I had this cute little kitty alarm clock, it meows and blinks its eyes every half hour. So, all of a sudden, they just start blinking over and over and over, and then, it just stopped! And then, it let out this half meow: Mmmmraaa--! And then its tail fell off, and then... it exploded!
Shawn: Wow. Uhhh, slow build. Uhh, half meow? Unexpected. Didn't see the end coming at all. How 'bout you, Gus?
Gus: Uh, what? No, I can't say that I did. (Gus is flirting with the other members of the sorioty.)

Brandon Peterson: I screwed up on my own, I'm going to face him on my own.
Shawn: That's very Cameron Frye of you.
Brandon: Cameron who?
Shawn: Wow, are we that much older than you?

Gus: Alright, whatever, who kidnapped him?
Shawn: Nobody.
Gus: Nobody! Excellent! Call the chief at home, tell 'em the crime is solved. Because apparently, we just imagined the whole thing!

Gus: Don't touch that, it's blood.
Shawn: It's not blood.
Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.

Gus: Don't you watch the news?
Shawn: I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.

Gus: Dude, we actually started an urban legend!
Shawn: That's dope! [they bump fists]

Gus: Heard about Pluto? That's messed up.

Gus: How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?
Shawn: What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

Gus: I have to get back to work.
Shawn: Gus? The plot is thickening!
Gus: Shawn, I've already missed two days this week.
Shawn: Oh, fine, fine, fine. I respect your wishes. Jerk chicken.
Gus: You know that's right.
[Shawn is now driving, and Gus is just waking up]
Shawn: There he is.
Gus: What time is it?
Shawn: Day time.
Gus: What happened?
Shawn: Uh... I might have dropped six allergy pills in your Frosty while you were peeing.

Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!
Shawn: What, you mean like an impersonator?
Gus: No, I think it was actually Patrick Swayze!

Gus: I need face time with my boss; I already missed the pamper pole trust exercise.
Shawn: I'm uncomfortable with you even saying the words "pamper pole."

Gus: Let me get this straight. You pulled me out of work to investigate a case, which is not a case, in which we probably won't get paid?
Shawn: Who are you kidding? I pulled you out of a Starbucks where you were pretending to finish your route you actually finished yesterday, so we could do a small favor for Juliet, that will grant us much larger favors in the future! Preferably ones that can't be mentioned in the presence of nuns or men of God.

Gus: So now I have a cat?
Shawn: An orange tabby. Last year you made her a tiny Santa hat, it was adorable.
Gus: Fantastic, now I can't even have an imaginary boy cat.
Shawn: Gus, a boy cat wouldn't serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Gus: Pickles?
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
Gus: Yeah? Well, in a related issue, I'm blocking your number on all the phones in the office.