Craig: Now, let us go forth and kick much ass. Craig 1:1.

Gus: [to Lassiter, after pulling him over] Have you been drinking, sir?
Lassiter: That's it!
Shawn: Sir, if you don't calm down I will be forced to tase you in the face.
Lassiter: You don't have a taser.

Gus: [wearing a police uniform, selecting doughnuts in a store] I don't know if it's this uniform, but I've never craved doughnuts before in my life.

Gus: Are we dead?
Shawn: I'm not. But if you are, can I have the 6,218 dollars there are in your rainy day money market account?
Gus: How do you know exactly how much money I have in there?
Shawn: Wild guess.

Gus: I told you that newspaper thing was a dumb idea.
Shawn: Are you at all serious? We just captured a dangerous international spy and you're hung up on the newspaper bit?
Gus: No. I'm hung up on the fact that you've been obsessed with this woman this whole time, she makes the ultimate move on you, and you shut her down. That makes no sense! Are you crazy?
Shawn: I know it doesn't make any sense. Maybe I am crazy. All I can tell you is that... just now, in that moment, all I could think about was Jules. I just can't wrap myself around the fact she's dating Declan. Actually, it's actually killing me.
Gus: Shawn, that is not fair.
Shawn: I know. I know it's not fair. And you're right. She likes this guy, who am I to stand in the way?
Gus: Exactly.
Shawn: You think I don't want her to be happy? I want her to be happy. But--serious Shawn moment here--I want to be happy too, and for some reason I can't imagine that happening without Juliet.

Gus: I will eat you in manageable, bite-sized pieces.

Gus: New rule. From now on, any cover story or fake I.D. must be run past me and approved...
Shawn: Approved.
Gus: ...In writing, three days in advance.
Shawn: Gus, you're kidding, right?
Gus: No, Shawn; I need the proper amount of time to concoct my alter ego that best complements yours in a situation.
Shawn: I don't know where I'm going to be living in three days.
Gus: That's the deal, Shawn. Take it or leave it.
. . .
Shawn: [introducing Gus to a stranger] So, he is a pharmaceutical salesman who moonlights at his psychic detective agency. And once, at camp, he wet his pants.
Gus: Spilled water on my pants
Shawn: I'm sorry but if this was Saturday I would have a much better cover story

Gus: Shawn, this is 2010.
Shawn: Heh. Nice try, Gus. That would mean we're at war with the machines!

Gus: That owl is made entirely out of cinnamon!
Shawn: Which means it is both wise and delicious.

Gus: Wait a second, you're mad at me for not being mad?
Shawn: I'm shocked at you for not being shocked!

Gus: We need information on counterfeiting Hong Kong coins.
Shawn: And Chinese mafia.
Gus: And we need you to explain the ending of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to us.
Ken: What? What, you think that 'cause I'm Asian, I'm supposed to know all this stuff? That's borderline racist, man.
Shawn: Racist? No, I don't think so. Inappropriate?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Insulting?
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Stereotyping?
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Not racist.
Gus: Maybe a little racist.
Shawn: Gus, please. Now, Ken? How many Triads do you know, and/or are you one of them?
Ken: Wow.
Gus: Okay, that definitely crossed the line.
Shawn: Just tell us what you know and we will get out of your parents' house.

Gus: Why are you singing Lassiter's danger music?
Shawn: It's catchy.

Henry: You're not afraid of competition, are you Shawn?
Shawn: Of course not. As long as doesn't involve people trying to best each other.

Juliet: [teaching the PIT maneuver] Mr. Spencer, a word.
Gus: I think you might be in trouble with the teacher.
Shawn: I sure hope so.

Juliet: Are you asking me on a date beside this dead body?
Shawn: Yeah, but I figured it would be okay since it doesn't really smell.