Agent Ewing: If I had learned how to laugh as a child I would right now.

Alice Bundy: And so now, on behalf of the entire suit of the broken hearts, Alice will now knob off the queen's head! [She pauses and laughs a bit] That sounded so much better out loud than it did in my head!

Amy Kessler: He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was--get this--Martin Brody.
Shawn: Martin Brody? [Pause] Roy Scheider's character from Jaws?
Amy Kessler: Yes. How did you know?
Shawn: ...I've seen Jaws.

Bad Guy: But know this: one stupid move, and I've got more than enough plastic bags for your body parts.
Shawn: Note to self: call Hefty with commercial idea.

Bianca: Ok, here goes. This is so scary. I was lying in bed watching "One Tree Hill," my favorite show. Chad Michael Murray is so hot. And I had this cute little kitty alarm clock, it meows and blinks its eyes every half hour. So, all of a sudden, they just start blinking over and over and over, and then, it just stopped! And then, it let out this half meow: Mmmmraaa--! And then its tail fell off, and then... it exploded!
Shawn: Wow. Uhhh, slow build. Uhh, half meow? Unexpected. Didn't see the end coming at all. How 'bout you, Gus?
Gus: Uh, what? No, I can't say that I did. (Gus is flirting with the other members of the sorioty.)

Boat Guy: What are you guys doing out here?
Shawn: Oh, you know. Just, uh, hiding from sharks. You know, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on so we kicked ours off.
Boat Guy: Uh, that's not how sharks work at all.
Shawn: Regular sharks. Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically-altered, shark-like beasts here, in this area of the water. They can smell the light.
Gus: They also type.
Shawn: True. Not well, but they're sharks...so it's still impressive.

Brandon Peterson: I screwed up on my own, I'm going to face him on my own.
Shawn: That's very Cameron Frye of you.
Brandon: Cameron who?
Shawn: Wow, are we that much older than you?

Buzz McNab: [obviously trying to avoid mentioning the fact that Gus is black] Just so you know, Mauler barks at all cars, not just... blue ones.

Chef Antonio: We just had a surprise inspection a few days ago. Is there something wrong?
Shawn: Yes, you weren't surprised enough.

Chief Vick: I don't mean to sound like a hard ass...
Juliet: You didn't!
Chief Vick: I did.
Juliet: I didn't get that at all.
Chief Vick: Actually I was trying to sound like a hard ass.
Juliet: Mission accomplished!

Chief Vick: Is there something wrong with you, Mr. Spencer?
Lassiter: You picked today to ask him that question?

Chief Vick: Lassiter, ease up. We're lucky if our psychic doesn't lick the body.

Chief Vick: Oh, and this is a typo, right? $800 for skates?
Juliet: Would it help if I told you the other pairs weren't cute at all?

Chief: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn: Yes you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?
Chief: No! And frankly, I could care less.
Gus: Now that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say "I could care less" when they really mean "I couldn't care less"?
Chief: Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.
Gus: You split an infinitive.
Shawn: Good catch, Gus!
Chief: You two realize I carry a gun, right?
Gus: That was perfectly elocuted.

Clive: Hi, I'm Clive. I'm hilarious and I have no girlfriend.
Juliet: Hi, I'm Juliet and I'm a cop.
Clive: Nice rejection. Very clean.