Boat Guy: What are you guys doing out here?
Shawn: Oh, you know. Just, uh, hiding from sharks. You know, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on so we kicked ours off.
Boat Guy: Uh, that's not how sharks work at all.
Shawn: Regular sharks. Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically-altered, shark-like beasts here, in this area of the water. They can smell the light.
Gus: They also type.
Shawn: True. Not well, but they're sharks...so it's still impressive.

Chief Vick: Oh, and this is a typo, right? $800 for skates?
Juliet: Would it help if I told you the other pairs weren't cute at all?

Chief: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn: Yes you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?
Chief: No! And frankly, I could care less.
Gus: Now that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say "I could care less" when they really mean "I couldn't care less"?
Chief: Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.
Gus: You split an infinitive.
Shawn: Good catch, Gus!
Chief: You two realize I carry a gun, right?
Gus: That was perfectly elocuted.

Clive: Hi, I'm Clive. I'm hilarious and I have no girlfriend.
Juliet: Hi, I'm Juliet and I'm a cop.
Clive: Nice rejection. Very clean.

Derek Ford: You're sure your father doesn't want to come inside?
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. He's clinically insane. And a biter.

Gus: And they don't even have a dalmatian here, Shawn.
Shawn: Would you stop with the dalmatians already?
Gus: I'm just saying. It would be nice to see one in its natural habitat.
Shawn: They're not indigenous to firehouses, Gus.

Gus: Are you wearing sweat pants?
Shawn: These are my sneaking around pants. Don't be jealous, I got you a matching pair.
Gus: You're dressing up for her.
Shawn: Dressing up? Dude, I'm wearing sweats and this ridiculous lime-green jacket.
Gus: That's my lime-green jacket, Shawn. And it's only for players.

Gus: Before we get started we always like to ask a few preliminary questions. Standard stuff.
Lassiter: Ok, fire away.
Gus: Ok, umm. Let's see: one, did you kill that guy?

Gus: Did you know that before he stabbed a guy, he was a life coach?
Shawn: Who would hire him as a life coach?
Gus: The guy he stabbed!

Gus: Excuse me, what happened to the last bunch?
Dutch: Well, we can't talk about it for legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said that, "It ain't decapitation if the head don't come off all the way."

Gus: Hey everybody! Look how big I am compared to this airplane!

Gus: I can't get over it. After all this time the chief never said she had a sister.
Shawn: Strange.
Lassiter: And such an alluring sister at that.
Shawn: Creepy.

Gus: I never thought I would hear you say that.
Shawn: Even more than "sinkhole sissy-feet flapjack go-go boots"?

Gus: I plead the Fifth.
Shawn: Mmm, element, dimension, Beatle?
Gus: You can't plead Billy Preston.

Gus: I think I have a bruise from all that CPR... can you see it?
Shawn: All I see is chocolate with hair on it.