Shawn: Clouds don't kill people. People kill people.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie. Show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush. Come on! Go Simon Cowell! You've got the salt and pepper! IT'S NICE!

Shawn: Did he just say "absolutely" with a little half-smile? Would you print that out please, I'm thinking of shellacking it on a nice piece of maple. Maybe a little decoupage!

Shawn: Dude, what is your glitch?

Shawn: Dude. Some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you.
Gus: [evasive] I don't know that guy.
Shawn: He looked right at you.
Gus: He was mistaken.
Shawn: He said, 'Hi, Gus.' And then, another dude with a cape and a codpiece gave you a half-nod.

Shawn: Good morning, detectives! Are we collecting donations for the policeman's ball?
Lassiter: We don't have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.
Lassiter: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?
Shawn: Uhh... the case gets solved?

Shawn: Hello Ladies and Gentleman, [dramatic music] I will be your narrator. My name is Aurora... Borealis! There are over four... hundred stars in our galaxy, maybe more. No one knows for sure. Many have said the universe is even larger than the Indian ocean, that is why it is called Infinitum Staroctopussium. [constellations come up] Ah yes, our glorious constellations, take a look. Over here we have... one with a guy... holding some sort of... thing. Over here, our beloved Olympic rings, all seven of them. And here, here's one with a fish.
Vernon: You gotta name them.
Shawn: Notice straight, straight above you, the Hammer of Jeff. And over there to the south--
Vernon: North.
Shawn: --North, you will see Monkey with Rash. The Egyptians used to set their clocks by it. [comet crosses the sky] Oh look, there goes an asteroid.
Vernon: Comet.
Shawn: Comet. It's what they named that cleaning solution after. I know it may stink if you leave it in the sink, but boy, oh boy, does it clean.

Shawn: Here, let me read your palm.
Juliet: How about just one finger?

Shawn: I got the information because...I'm psychic.
Lassiter: Get him out of here!
Shawn: Oh boy! (Leans against the door, looks at Officer Allen) Your grandmother would be so proud.
Allen:: You spoke to her?
Shawn: I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.
Allen: The palm readers?
Shawn: The palm readers.
Barry: Okay, just to be clear, um, you're claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: (Moves his hands around until one is pointing at Lassiter and the other at Barry) How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1... (Turns to Officer McNab) When's the wedding?
McNab: May 3rd - wait, how'd you know?
Shawn: I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception and you are getting good!
McNab: Wow. That's amazing!
Lassiter: Oh come on, who is buying this!
(Allen, McNab, and a guy in a nearby jail cell raise their hands)

Shawn: I see a man... He's driving your car... You don't know him... He's a valet, at a mall! Wait, I see a shoe store, your father's gold card, a Jamba Juice may have been involved.
Bianca: Oh, my God, I totally went shopping today! And I passed a Jamba on State Street! You are amazing.

Shawn: I'm kind of a slave to my visions. I'm a slave.

Shawn: I'm not a mind reader.
Gus: No, that's just what you tell everybody.

Shawn: Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.

Shawn: Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift, a conduit for us to save lives. And he has more integrity in his furry little hand...
Gus: Paw.
Shawn: Paw. Than most people have in their whole appendages... Appendages?
Gus: What?
Shawn: All of. Than most people have in all of their appendages... combined.

Shawn: Pack it in, pull the plug, shut it down, leave the dead meat in the freezer, and put on your Sunday best ��cause its Arbor Day, baby!
(holding a poker chip to each ear)