Gus: Shawn, this is 2010.
Shawn: Heh. Nice try, Gus. That would mean we're at war with the machines!

Gus: Shawn? What the heck are you doing here?
Shawn: I should ask you the same question.
Gus: I work here!
Shawn: I should ask you a different question.

Gus: So now I have a cat?
Shawn: An orange tabby. Last year you made her a tiny Santa hat, it was adorable.
Gus: Fantastic, now I can't even have an imaginary boy cat.
Shawn: Gus, a boy cat wouldn't serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Gus: Pickles?
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
Gus: Yeah? Well, in a related issue, I'm blocking your number on all the phones in the office.

Gus: So there's really a Yin to her Yang.
Yang: If you think I'm sick, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Gus: Sookie is mine!

Gus: That owl is made entirely out of cinnamon!
Shawn: Which means it is both wise and delicious.

Gus: The thing is, I have something big to tell you.
Shawn: You know you can say anything to me, Gus. We've known each other forever and there's absolutely nothing that could dent our impenetrable bond.
Gus: I have a secret girlfriend.
Shawn: You're dead to me.

Gus: Wait a second! This is my Airwolf windbreaker! I've been looking for this for like five years now! Why did you take this? I never even saw you wear it.
Shawn: Of course I didn't wear it. I took it so you wouldn't. Don't put it on. Gus, nobody had an Airwolf jacket except Jan-Michael Vincent!

Gus: Wait a second, you're mad at me for not being mad?
Shawn: I'm shocked at you for not being shocked!

Gus: We need information on counterfeiting Hong Kong coins.
Shawn: And Chinese mafia.
Gus: And we need you to explain the ending of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to us.
Ken: What? What, you think that 'cause I'm Asian, I'm supposed to know all this stuff? That's borderline racist, man.
Shawn: Racist? No, I don't think so. Inappropriate?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Insulting?
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Stereotyping?
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Not racist.
Gus: Maybe a little racist.
Shawn: Gus, please. Now, Ken? How many Triads do you know, and/or are you one of them?
Ken: Wow.
Gus: Okay, that definitely crossed the line.
Shawn: Just tell us what you know and we will get out of your parents' house.

Gus: We're in a hostage situation, Shawn. You don't get that?
Shawn: I do get it. What I don't get is the bulletproof vest over the shirt. What is that?

Gus: What are we looking for anyway?
Shawn: Anything that points to criminal activity. You know... a white cloth sack with a green dollar sign. A red barrel labeled "TNT." An anvil. Anything.
Gus: [picking up a rim] Check this out!
Shawn: What, you have something? The point of those examples was to imply it wouldn't be so obvious.
Henry: Stop trying to figure it out! Shawn: (Continuing jumping up and down) I can't help it!

Gus: What are you doing? We don't know anything about delivering warthog babies.
Shawn: Ah, babies are babies. You just pull it out at the right time. The real question is, are you allergic to placenta?
[cut to another part of the zoo; Gus is running away from the warthog pen, hand over his face]
Gus: Oh God, my eyes!

Gus: What happened last night?
Shawn: Strangely, I have no idea.

Gus: What happened?
Shawn: Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Gus: What do you think?
Shawn: I am not your mother.
Gus: He didn't say that, Shawn. What's the bad news?
Shawn: Drive!!