[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant... [pins "Vote Teeger" button to Randy's lapel] ...thank you for volunteering!
Natalie Teeger: He's my bodyguard?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie Teeger: I'm still not dropping out.

[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]
Adrian Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!

[Peck has set one of the exhibits on fire as a distraction; Stottlemeyer rushes up]
Kid: Here, use this! It's a fire extinguisher. [He hands Stottlemeyer his homemade fire extinguisher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thanks. [He sprays it on the fire, which causes the flames to grow and intensify] Hey! What's in this thing?!
Kid: Turpentine. [Stottlemeyer resorts to using his coat to smother the blaze]

[Pursuing tour guide Lyle Peck through the museum, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Natalie Teeger: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
AdrianMonk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
[Later, up the tunnel]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, fetus ahead!
Adrian Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Adrian Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c-- I can't go up there, I-- ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!

[Randy has given Stottlemeyer an update on an arson fire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What did the fire marshal have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance. [pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah that's an interesting theory, Randy, but um... the guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.

[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]
Adrian Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona Fleming: That's my music.

[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]
Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.

[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]
Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.

[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.]
Sharona Fleming: Tired?
Lt. Randall Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona Fleming: [sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
Lt. Randall Disher: Crystal.
Sharona Fleming: [sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona Fleming: You have a picture?
Lt. Randall Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona Fleming: That's sad.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models! Thank you very much.

[Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have lost track of Monk after getting out of their cab]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where is he?
Masul the Cabbie: Who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The guy in the front seat, where is he?
Masul the Cabbie: The nut?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the nut! Where'd he go?
Masul the Cabbie: What is he complaining about? My taxi is very clean! Why is he wiping, wiping, wiping everything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sir, your taxi is perfect! But where did he go?
Masul the Cabbie: Look, I don't care! I never pick him up again! I see him again, I keep driving! I don't care if I lose my license! You tell him, I'll keep driving!

[Sonny Chow's coffin is being exhumed]
Natalie Teeger: Lieutenant, you realize that if Sonny Chow is alive, he's killed at least two people.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: You'd have to arrest him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd get to meet him.
Natalie Teeger: He might even try to kill you.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so? Wow, that would be so cool! Sonny Chow!
[Cuts to the gravediggers lifting the coffin out of the ground]
Adrian Monk: Captain. How are you feeling?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a nervous wreck. How'd things go with the Zen master?
Adrian Monk: Well he said Sonny Chow died in his arms. I believe him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Well at least the press hasn't gotten wind of this, 'cause once they do, it's gonna be like Christmas morning for those vultures.
Natalie Teeger: [examining the monument] Look at that thing!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. His fan club in the Phillippines paid for that!
Adrian Monk: [to the gravediggers] Be--be careful with that! You wanna be careful with that! [One gravedigger, Chris Downey, turns to Monk]
Chris Downey: What did you say?
Adrian Monk: I said you might wanna be careful with that.
Chris Downey: Come on, I've been doing this job since I was eighteen years old! I think I know what I'm doing. I don't come down to your station house and, tell you how to beat a confession out of some kid. [Stottlemeyer eyes and appears to recognize Downey]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do I know you?
Chris Downey: Maybe you do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're Chris Downey. [incredulously] They let you out?
Chris Downey: I did my time. Now I'm doing my job, at least I'm trying to. [swallows some pills from a bottle]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk and Natalie] I busted this low-life for assault and armed robbery.
Chris Downey: Got me on the assault. There was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right. We never recovered the jewels you stole-
Chris Downey: Allegedly stole, allegedly. I love that word.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when? [Sharona opens the door]
Sharona Fleming: Hey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
Sharona Fleming: About what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're gonna find him. Is he here?
[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]
Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!
Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [incredulously] On the wall?
Sharona Fleming: It was pretty awful.
Lt. Randall Disher: [heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!
[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at Winston Brenner]
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher fill Monk and Natalie in on the finger]
Natalie Teeger: We just got your call. You found a body?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not quite. There is a two year old boy named Tommy Graser-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, not two years. 22 months. Not quite two.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Anyway, he was, um, separated from his mother-
Lt. Randall Disher: No, uh, his guardian. She's not actually his mother. She, uh, runs a foster home. For the record.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the record, stand over there. [Randy walks a short distance away] Anyway, he was in the playground, and he disappeared for about ten minutes-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh 14 minutes. [Under Stottlemeyer's watchful glare, Randy takes a few steps back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When we found him, the little boy had a severed human finger.
Natalie Teeger: A finger?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A pinkie. It was still bleeding, freshly severed, uh, probably about four hours ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah about four hours ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just said that, Randy!

[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Monk and Sharona at the FBI's post]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! What, you reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside. [to Monk] Monk. [to Colmes] Colmes! Whaddaya think you're doing?!
Agent Colmes: This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, neither does he! What's going on?
Sharona Fleming: They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family. [Randy looks at a surveillance photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]
Lt. Randall Disher: What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing! And don't call him that!
Lt. Randall Disher: What? Are you defending him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you start by telling them, what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? Oh, start by telling them where we found the body buried!
Sharona Fleming: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually the parts that they found.
Agent Colmes: Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.