[Monk knows that Kathy Willowby electrocuted her husband]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]
Adrian Monk: 95 percent.

[Monk notices that Kevin has picked up a pencil]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What is that?
Kevin Dorfman: Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a "collectible": you can look, but don't touch.

[Monk shows up at Marlene Highsmith's apartment, where Sharona is waiting]
Sharona Fleming: Is it you?
Adrian Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
Sharona Fleming: What happened to "the Monk"?
Adrian Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?
Monk: No.

[Monk tries to use the persona of a hunter while at the general store]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me, do you carry Sierra Springs bottled water?
Store Owner: In the cooler. Help yourself. [Natalie heads towards the cooler in the back] You folks just passin' through here?
Adrian Monk: I'm---I'm a hunter. I'm gonna do some hunting [mimes holding a hunting rifle]. [Another customer in the store, Kathy Willowby, eyes Monk oddly]
Kathy Willowby: Season doesn't start for three months.
Adrian Monk: I know. Uh, I like to get here early, and get a good spot.
Kathy Willowby: What are you gonna do? Squat in the woods for twelve weeks? [laughs]
Martin Willowby: Kathy! It's none of our business! This gentleman ain't poking his nose into your life, is he?
Kathy Willowby: He can ask me anything he likes! I've got nothing to hide. [to the owner; who is playing country music on his radio] Turn that up! Martin hates country music; he doesn't let me play it at home. Isn't that right, darling?
Martin Willowby: That is why the good Lord invented headphones.
Store Owner: Oh, Martin. I've got those dipsy-digglies you were asking about. [hands Martin a pair of fishing lures]
Martin Willowby: Thank you very much. [eying Monk] Best bass lure in the whole world!
Kathy Willowby: Yeah every lure you buy is the best lure in the world!
Martin Willowby: Well that's 'cause they keep improving them! I'll take two: one for the fish, and one for my lucky hat. [The cashier is taking care of Natalie's payment]
Store Owner: Okay. That will be $22 even.

[Monk walks up to Randy]
Monk: Hey, toystore!
Randy: What did you just call me?
Monk: Toystore. Your name's Disher, dish. Plate, play-to, play-dough...where do you buy play-dough?
Randy: Toystore?
Monk: That's what I'm talking about.

[Monk's game enters the second round]
Roddy Lankman: Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.
Adrian Monk: Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.
Roddy Lankman: Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibula- [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: B, Tibula.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]
Val Birch: It's C.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.
Val Birch: Lucky guess.
Roddy Lankman: Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]
Adrian Monk: D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy ["D" being "1901"].
Roddy Lankman: D is correct. The next question, who-[Monk buzzes in insistently]
Adrian Monk: B-B-B-B-B-B!
Roddy Lankman: "B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?
Susan: I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!
Roddy Lankman: Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]
Susan: C!
Roddy Lankman: No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: A.
Roddy Lankman: 'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element-[Monk rings in]
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]
Adrian Monk: Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.
Roddy Lankman: [scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?
Adrian Monk: Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]
Val Birch: Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]
Roddy Lankman: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
[up in the producer's booth, Kevin turns to Dwight]
Kevin Dorfman: Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.
Adrian Monk: [onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]
Roddy Lankman: Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]
Dwight Ellison: You do and you're fired.

[Monk, Michelle and a pregnant woman are trapped in an elevator due to Winston Brenner's second blackout]
Adrian Monk: [pushing the Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...
Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.
Adrian Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer are observing Kathy Willowby through binoculars. She is carrying some bags of ice into the cabin]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's carrying two packages. Looks like ice.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! She's been buying ice all day. That makes 16 bags she's brought in so far.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food! No beer, no chips, just ice!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: The only other thing that she bought today is a new radio. Plus, I am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was me. You tied my foot to the bed.
Adrian Monk: I mean before that, and it was definitely coming from that cabin. [shushes them; faint country music can be heard from across the lake] You hear that? She said her husband didn't let her play country music in the house.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he's not home.
Adrian Monk: Where did he go? There's his boat! They only have the one car.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he went on a walk!
Adrian Monk: No, I have been watching the house all day. Captain, I have not seen him.
[Stottlemeyer gets an idea. He goes inside while Monk and Natalie continue to observe Kathy. Monk hands the binoculars over to Natalie. Kathy takes another bag of ice into the cabin. Inside, the cabin phone rings. Stottlemeyer comes back out of the FBI cabin carrying the phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's ringing.
Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]
Kathy Willowby: Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. Uh, we're having a big high school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much. [hangs up] She says that he's on the lake fishing.
Adrian Monk: Captain, she killed him. [Natalie sets down the binoculars in disgust]
Natalie Teeger: You have got to be kidding. Can I take you anywhere?!

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the crime lab examining the finger]
Forensic Technician: Are you ready?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Forensic Technician: It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
Natalie Teeger: [disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.
[Monk uses a set of tongs to grab the finger and holds it parallel to his left hand]
Adrian Monk: There's a callus.
Forensic Technician: That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]
Adrian Monk: No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who plays the violin.
Lt. Randall Disher: Should I put a list together?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.
Forensic Technician: It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.
Adrian Monk: Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professionals.
Adrian Monk: So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.
Season 4

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a construction site to talk to tree-hugger Alby Drake]
Alby Drake: No I'm not being reasonable, I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!
[Monk and Sharona arrive]
Sharona Fleming: Did you call Michelle?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: Did you think about it?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: Did you think about thinking about it?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, I'm a married man.
Sharona Fleming: Captain, Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, Monk.
Sharona Fleming: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree hugger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend; they were roommates at MIT.
Adrian Monk: How long has he been up there?
Construction Foreman: Ten days. He'll be down soon. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The FBI, in their infinite wisdom, now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, [points a bullhorn up at Drake] that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.
Sharona Fleming: How does he go to the bathroom? [Almost immediately, everyone except for Randy steps back]

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out why the intruders in Natalie's house wanted her marble fish]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at Natalie's fish]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a goldfish.
Adrian Monk: Technically, it's a crimson marblefish.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it extinct?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?

[Natalie asks Master Zi if he thinks Monk should pay her expenses]
Master Zi: This man is your employer, your master. It is your job to serve him unquestioningly. [to Monk] I would not pay this woman any more money. You must teach her that wealth is in the heart, not in the bank.
Adrian Monk: It's not in the bank.

[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors, on the excuse of "because I'm cute".]
Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.