Adrian Monk: He [van Ranken] was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

Adrian Monk: Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.
[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]
Adrian Monk: Were you all here when Miss Landow died?
First Teacher: That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.
Adrian Monk: So - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]
First Teacher: No, we were in different classrooms.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian...!
[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]
Derek Philby: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh - um... just making them even.
Derek Philby: [highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together!
Adrian Monk: But they're - they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even...
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even...
[changes the subject]

Adrian Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona Fleming: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
Adrian Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes! You live in a dream world.

Adrian Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: I'm paying you...
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: ...but you won't tell me.
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Adrian Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

Adrian Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

Adrian Monk: Why do you torture me like this?
Sharona Fleming: Because I can.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?
Phone Technician: Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long do we need?
Phone Technician: Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Which it will be.
Phone Technician: ...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
Julie Parlo: Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Julie Parlo: Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That assistant, she called you.
Sharona Fleming: Mm-hmm. Diane Luden.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I think she might be on to something.
Sharona Fleming: We'd like to look at the official file.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
Lt. Randall Disher: He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Lt. Randall Disher: There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you're on your own.
Adrian Monk: Okay, forget it. Let's go. What's our first stop?
Sharona Fleming: Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment. [This gets Randy's attention]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sapphire Mansion? You have an appointment?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Elliot D'Souza controlled that magazine. He was about to pull the plug on Dexter Larsen. I think Larsen might be involved.
Lt. Randall Disher: Saphhire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Once. Ten years ago.
Sharona Fleming: Did your wife find out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I told her. In therapy, we were playing the honesty game.
Lt. Randall Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yup. This was before they built the new lobby.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, Captain. I think Monk might be on to something. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.
Sharona Fleming: Ugh.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're denying any involvement in the kidnapping of Mrs. Parlo?
Ron Abrash: Of course I deny it! Demanding free turkey dinners? That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]

Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.
Sharona Fleming: You still are.

Granny Parlo: And--and it was raining.
Sharona Fleming: Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
Granny Parlo: Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.

Leland Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
Leland Stottlemeyer: FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!

Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Leland Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.