[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.

[Stottlemeyer has been rudely awaken by knocking at the door. Waking up from a hangover, he accidentally shatters a plate]
Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
Disher: You threw them out the window.
Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole in the door, then turns to say] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!

[Stottlemeyer makes a late night visit to Monk's apartment. Monk, carrying a container of lightbulbs, answers]
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Got a minute?
Adrian Monk: Sure. [Stottlemeyer comes in and Monk closes the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, nothing. I was just... polishing the lightbulbs. What's going on? [He takes his box of lightbulbs back to the kitchen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhh, you remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about three years ago?
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about: I landed, I hailed a cab, and, I recognized the cab driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw. He used to be a Fed, he was a real player. He used to head the FBI's field office in Atlanta until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy. Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: What does this have to do with-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, I'm gonna wind up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs! Can you help me with this? I mean, I've gotta know, I've gotta be certain. Is this guy alive or dead?

[Stottlemeyer walks into his office when Disher calls to him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [Stottlemeyer walks back out to Randy's desk] Monk was right. And you're right too sir, about Monk being right. Check this out. Good work.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What have you got, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Winston Brenner. He was an activist in the 90s. He was indicted in a series of bombings in Boston. Pretty angry individual. [grabs evidence bags with two different notes; he holds up the left one first] Here, look at this. This is the note from the power plant. [holds up the one in his right hand] This one is from 11 years ago. He uses a lot of the same phrases: "The blood I shed today."/"The blood I shed today." "The price of absolute freedom."/"The price of absolute freedom." And check this out. [rotates his desk lamp to show the comparison in the writing sample, also shining the light right into Stottlemeyer's face] The handwriting is identical. This is definitely the guy. The only thing is, is that back then, Brenner didn't really care about the environment. Anti-military was his thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you read the rest of the file, Randy? [Randy produces surveillance photos]
Lt. Randall Disher: We've got some pictures too. They're blurry, but good.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Read the rest of the file, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Which part?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The part here where it says that he died: "Deceased, 1995." Blew himself up before the trial.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's dead.

[The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long does he have?
Captain Walter Cage: Two, three days. He's being deposed in connection with that federal racketeering case, and they're afraid they're gonna lose him before they get what they need. They're not letting anybody else near him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
Captain Walter Cage: Come on, I didn't lie to you! If we close the ambassador case...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador! He means less than zero to me, okay? My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him, too! In a way. [silence]
Captain Walter Cage: If we close this case, we can call the press, we can call City Hall, we're gonna have juice. Come on, you know how this works! They won't dare say no to us. Captain, it's not just your best shot. It's your only shot.

[Three police cars intercept Chris Downey's pickup truck as he drives out of the cemetery]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Turn off the motor! Throw your keys out the window! [Downey complies]
Lt. Randall Disher: [advancing on Downey, his gun drawn] Show me your hands, Downey! Show me your hands! Get out of the car! Get out of the car! [Downey slowly opens his door just as Natalie runs up. Stottlemeyer gets her out of the crossfire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, stay back! Stay back! [He forces Downey onto the hood of his truck] Where's Monk?! What did you do with him?
Chris Downey: Relax, Captain. He's still alive, for now.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where is he? What did you do with him? We can save both of your lives.
Chris Downey: If you wanna find your friend, I want something too: I want a car to the airport. [produces a small bag from his uniform pocket] I'm already packed. I want a jet that can fly 2,000 miles without refuelling. When I'm in the air, I'll tell you, A) Where I'm going, and B) where you can dig up... [stammers] Di-Dig. Y-you can dig. [immediately has a heart attack and collapses to the ground]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God, I think he's had a heart attack! [They start to perform CPR on him]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's got no pulse.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downey! Downey!
Natalie Teeger: Don't die on us!

[watching a somber parrot]
Natalie Teeger: What happened to him?
Adrian Monk: His wife died.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?
Natalie Teeger: Why not put another female in there with him?
Adrian Monk: Won't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage. [pause]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Trudy.

[while Stottlemeyer and Monk question Harold Krenshaw, Stottlemeyer takes a bite of a coconut donut]
Harold Krenshaw: Now you have to eat a sugar one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't want a sugar one.
Adrian Monk: Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.
Harold Krenshaw: Or two coconuts and two glazed.
Adrian Monk: Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.
Harold Krenshaw: That's a good idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or, I can do this. [He grabs the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle] There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.