[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
[pause]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
...
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

[Monk shows up at Marlene Highsmith's apartment, where Sharona is waiting]
Sharona Fleming: Is it you?
Adrian Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
Sharona Fleming: What happened to "the Monk"?
Adrian Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

[Monk solves a murder in France, just by reading the newspaper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen to this: this is "News from Around the World," Paris, France. There is an unsolved murder; a woman was found strangled, and both of her hands were cut off.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: That happens all the time: no fingerprints. Makes it harder to ID the body.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now here's the thing: they found the hands. They were a couple of meters away from the body in the grass.
Adrian Monk: The killer cut off both hands, but then left them near the body?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. She and her husband both worked as curators at the prison museum in the Bastille.
Adrian Monk: Prison museum?
[cuts to a Paris police prefecture. A police lieutenant comes into his captain's office]
Lieutenant Lafitte: [in French] Captain Dupres, there is a detective calling from America. He has solved the murder of Madame Beaudreau.
Captain Dupres: [in French] He solved it?
Lieutenant Lafitte: [in French] By reading a newspaper, from 9,000 kilometers away! [Dupres sighs and picks up the phone]
Captain Dupres: Captain Dupres, Prefecture de Police. [cuts to Monk's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bonjour. Je m'appelle Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. Je travaille avec le department de police de San Francisco. Uhhhh, parlez vous English? ["Hello, my name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I work for the department of police of San Francisco. Do you speak English"]
Captain Dupres: I speak enough. What can I do for you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, hi, I've got a friend. His name is Adrian Monk.
Adrian Monk: [into the phone] Bonjour.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He has a theory about an unsolved case of yours. Here, I'll put him on. [hands the phone to Monk] He speaks English well enough. [Monk wipes down the phone, pressing several of the other buttons]
Adrian Monk: Yes, yse, hello. I think I know who killed Madame Beaudreau.
Captain Dupres: [skeptically] Oui, Monsieur Monk, what is your theory?
Adrian Monk: I think her husband did it.
Captain Dupres: Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
Adrian Monk: He must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
Captain Dupres: I do not follow you.
Adrian Monk: They were antique handcuffs, very distinctive, so they could easily have been traced back to him.
Captain Dupres: Mon Dieu...
Adrian Monk: He must have lost the key. So he was desperate, he had to get them off the body.
Captain Dupres: Well, that makes sense! Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius! Perhaps someday, you will come to Paris so I can thank you in person.

[Monk solves the case, and brings a videotape to prove his theory.]
Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona: Okay, here it is!
Monk: Don't blink.
[They watch the video.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my...
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

[Monk solves the case]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...
Sharona Fleming: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?

[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?
Monk: No.

[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]
Natasia Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[Floppy the clown motions Randy out]
Adrian Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down... [Natasia looks smug] Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it. [The smug look fades.] You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Floppy the Clown: [makes honking sound, mimes drawing a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]
Floppy the Clown: For what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!
[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]

[Monk takes drastic measures to stop the Chabrols from leaving Newark]
Adrian Monk: Hi! Hello. [clears his throat] Yeah, I'm, uh, worried about a buddy of mine, uh, Captain Claude Pritchard.
Man on phone: Claude Pritchard the pilot, yeah. He's on the tarmac right now. He's been cleared to take off.
Adrian Monk: So, he made it okay. What a relief. Unbelievable.
Man on phone: What do you mean?
Adrian Monk: Uh, oh, he was in pretty bad shape when I left him. We were out partying all last night, and into this morning, and��we're just��party boys.
Man on phone: Party boys?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty ugly there for--I tried to take his keys away, but you know how old Claude gets when he's totally�� [Sharona mouths the word "hammered"] Hammered.
[Cuts to the inside of the plane, where Stefan Chabrol and "Barbara" toast their wine glasses]
Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen, we have been asked to return to the gate. Please stay in your seats. We will be underway in just a few moments.
Season 2

[Monk thinks that comatose Brian Babbage is the killer]
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who? [Monk indicates comatose Brian] Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

[Monk tries to apologize once more to Sylvia Willis about the events of the previous year]
Sylvia Willis: We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
Adrian Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
Sylvia Willis: It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?
Adrian Monk: I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.
Sylvia Willis: Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.

[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nude magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously]
Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona Fleming: He is now.

[Monk tries to recreate the murder of Susan Malloy, and has Sharona play the victim]
Sharona Fleming: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.

[Monk tries to use the persona of a hunter while at the general store]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me, do you carry Sierra Springs bottled water?
Store Owner: In the cooler. Help yourself. [Natalie heads towards the cooler in the back] You folks just passin' through here?
Adrian Monk: I'm---I'm a hunter. I'm gonna do some hunting [mimes holding a hunting rifle]. [Another customer in the store, Kathy Willowby, eyes Monk oddly]
Kathy Willowby: Season doesn't start for three months.
Adrian Monk: I know. Uh, I like to get here early, and get a good spot.
Kathy Willowby: What are you gonna do? Squat in the woods for twelve weeks? [laughs]
Martin Willowby: Kathy! It's none of our business! This gentleman ain't poking his nose into your life, is he?
Kathy Willowby: He can ask me anything he likes! I've got nothing to hide. [to the owner; who is playing country music on his radio] Turn that up! Martin hates country music; he doesn't let me play it at home. Isn't that right, darling?
Martin Willowby: That is why the good Lord invented headphones.
Store Owner: Oh, Martin. I've got those dipsy-digglies you were asking about. [hands Martin a pair of fishing lures]
Martin Willowby: Thank you very much. [eying Monk] Best bass lure in the whole world!
Kathy Willowby: Yeah every lure you buy is the best lure in the world!
Martin Willowby: Well that's 'cause they keep improving them! I'll take two: one for the fish, and one for my lucky hat. [The cashier is taking care of Natalie's payment]
Store Owner: Okay. That will be $22 even.

[Monk walks up to Randy]
Monk: Hey, toystore!
Randy: What did you just call me?
Monk: Toystore. Your name's Disher, dish. Plate, play-to, play-dough...where do you buy play-dough?
Randy: Toystore?
Monk: That's what I'm talking about.