[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, just suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.

[Monk's game enters the second round]
Roddy Lankman: Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.
Adrian Monk: Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.
Roddy Lankman: Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibula- [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: B, Tibula.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]
Val Birch: It's C.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.
Val Birch: Lucky guess.
Roddy Lankman: Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]
Adrian Monk: D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy ["D" being "1901"].
Roddy Lankman: D is correct. The next question, who-[Monk buzzes in insistently]
Adrian Monk: B-B-B-B-B-B!
Roddy Lankman: "B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?
Susan: I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!
Roddy Lankman: Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]
Susan: C!
Roddy Lankman: No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: A.
Roddy Lankman: 'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element-[Monk rings in]
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]
Adrian Monk: Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.
Roddy Lankman: [scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?
Adrian Monk: Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]
Val Birch: Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]
Roddy Lankman: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
[up in the producer's booth, Kevin turns to Dwight]
Kevin Dorfman: Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.
Adrian Monk: [onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]
Roddy Lankman: Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]
Dwight Ellison: You do and you're fired.

[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?

[Monk, Michelle and a pregnant woman are trapped in an elevator due to Winston Brenner's second blackout]
Adrian Monk: [pushing the Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...
Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.
Adrian Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer are observing Kathy Willowby through binoculars. She is carrying some bags of ice into the cabin]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's carrying two packages. Looks like ice.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! She's been buying ice all day. That makes 16 bags she's brought in so far.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food! No beer, no chips, just ice!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: The only other thing that she bought today is a new radio. Plus, I am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was me. You tied my foot to the bed.
Adrian Monk: I mean before that, and it was definitely coming from that cabin. [shushes them; faint country music can be heard from across the lake] You hear that? She said her husband didn't let her play country music in the house.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he's not home.
Adrian Monk: Where did he go? There's his boat! They only have the one car.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he went on a walk!
Adrian Monk: No, I have been watching the house all day. Captain, I have not seen him.
[Stottlemeyer gets an idea. He goes inside while Monk and Natalie continue to observe Kathy. Monk hands the binoculars over to Natalie. Kathy takes another bag of ice into the cabin. Inside, the cabin phone rings. Stottlemeyer comes back out of the FBI cabin carrying the phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's ringing.
Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]
Kathy Willowby: Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. Uh, we're having a big high school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much. [hangs up] She says that he's on the lake fishing.
Adrian Monk: Captain, she killed him. [Natalie sets down the binoculars in disgust]
Natalie Teeger: You have got to be kidding. Can I take you anywhere?!

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the crime lab examining the finger]
Forensic Technician: Are you ready?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Forensic Technician: It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
Natalie Teeger: [disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.
[Monk uses a set of tongs to grab the finger and holds it parallel to his left hand]
Adrian Monk: There's a callus.
Forensic Technician: That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]
Adrian Monk: No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who plays the violin.
Lt. Randall Disher: Should I put a list together?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.
Forensic Technician: It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.
Adrian Monk: Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professionals.
Adrian Monk: So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.
Season 4

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking over the evidence from the Clea Vance murder case at the crime lab]
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Is there any new evidence?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Monk met the killer's mother.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's a shirt inspector.
Natalie Teeger: She swears he's innocent.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not gonna miss!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where are you going?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you wanna come.
Lt. Randall Disher: Cool, absolutely! I'll be there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're retiring? How old are you?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: 46.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.
Natalie Teeger: What, you have an accountant?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. Gonna have to go find an accountant, then I'm gonna talk to him.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Hodge's fashion house to talk to him. Hodge advances on Natalie]
Julian Hodge: If you're gonna rob me, you should bring a gun.
Natalie Teeger: Pardon me?
Julian Hodge: The blouse. It's a knock-off of one of my designs.
Natalie Teeger: Oh. It is? I didn't know.
Julian Hodge: Of course. That's not the real crime. The real crime is how you look in it.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Marty Eels at his office]
Marty Eels: Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.
Marty Eels: [to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?
Natalie Teeger: Yes.

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the scene of the store clerk's death]
Adrian Monk: When did it happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't to you!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
Adrian Monk: No prints on the bottle?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nothing yet.
Adrian Monk: Surveillance camera?
Lt. Randall Disher: Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, this was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But the killer took the money.
Adrian Monk: The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
Adrian Monk: No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
Adrian Monk: That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
Sharona Fleming: It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
Adrian Monk: How did I miss that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's stronger and smarter than you.

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. [Randy fast forwards the tape a few minutes; Sonny Cross walks by the camera] And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson runs past the camera] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Adrian Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Lt. Randall Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a body shop to arrest a businessman named Malcolm Cowley for a hit-and-run death]
Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder of Nestor Alvarez. Come with me. [He starts to lead Cowley away]
Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? Monk, we've got him dead to rights.
Adrian Monk: He is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [He drops the newspaper, disgusted, realizing that he has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a construction site to talk to tree-hugger Alby Drake]
Alby Drake: No I'm not being reasonable, I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!
[Monk and Sharona arrive]
Sharona Fleming: Did you call Michelle?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: Did you think about it?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: Did you think about thinking about it?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, I'm a married man.
Sharona Fleming: Captain, Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, Monk.
Sharona Fleming: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree hugger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend; they were roommates at MIT.
Adrian Monk: How long has he been up there?
Construction Foreman: Ten days. He'll be down soon. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The FBI, in their infinite wisdom, now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, [points a bullhorn up at Drake] that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.
Sharona Fleming: How does he go to the bathroom? [Almost immediately, everyone except for Randy steps back]

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher: [laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Ooh! You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen your comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: Where do we start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
Adrian Monk: You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out why the intruders in Natalie's house wanted her marble fish]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?