[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at Natalie's fish]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a goldfish.
Adrian Monk: Technically, it's a crimson marblefish.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it extinct?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?

[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]
Benjy Fleming: Think the dead body's in here?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

[Natalie asks Master Zi if he thinks Monk should pay her expenses]
Master Zi: This man is your employer, your master. It is your job to serve him unquestioningly. [to Monk] I would not pay this woman any more money. You must teach her that wealth is in the heart, not in the bank.
Adrian Monk: It's not in the bank.

[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors, on the excuse of "because I'm cute".]
Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.

[Natalie hands Randy an invitation to her brother's wedding]
Lt. Randall Disher: Who's Jonathan Davenport?
Natalie Teeger: He's my brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.
Natalie Teeger: Uh, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.
Adrian Monk: [in disbelief] What?
[Disher produces a tube of Davenport Toothpaste]
Lt. Randall Disher: This is you?

[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
Natalie Teeger: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

[Natalie pins Theresa Scott, her brother's murderous new wife, to the floor]
Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant... [pins "Vote Teeger" button to Randy's lapel] ...thank you for volunteering!
Natalie Teeger: He's my bodyguard?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie Teeger: I'm still not dropping out.

[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]
Adrian Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!

[Natalie's cell phone rings while she is talking to Julio Alvarez's boss]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie Teeger: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Adrian Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie Teeger: You have massive internal bleeding?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie Teeger: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie Teeger: This is how I dress.

[Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it look, Gordo?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Were those prescription?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Probably not.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining, but Natalie moves in front of him and blocks his view]
Natalie Teeger: Am I in your way?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: [to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
Adrian Monk: You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Well yeah, they're hers.
Adrian Monk: But look, she's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what do you think it means?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means that your boss scared somebody.

[Nikolai Petroff is being questioned at the police station]
Adrian Monk: A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming: Suck it up!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona Fleming: Fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: [glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.
Adrian Monk: Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall Disher: She never used a net.
Adrian Monk: She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
Adrian Monk: So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
Adrian Monk: You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!

[observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
Wine Expert: Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
Adrian Monk: Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think so.
Adrian Monk: Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!

[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa," in reality Dr. Lancaster in disguise, as the police cover them from below.]
Adrian Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know -- except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.