[Peck has set one of the exhibits on fire as a distraction; Stottlemeyer rushes up]
Kid: Here, use this! It's a fire extinguisher. [He hands Stottlemeyer his homemade fire extinguisher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thanks. [He sprays it on the fire, which causes the flames to grow and intensify] Hey! What's in this thing?!
Kid: Turpentine. [Stottlemeyer resorts to using his coat to smother the blaze]

[Pursuing tour guide Lyle Peck through the museum, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Natalie Teeger: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
AdrianMonk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
[Later, up the tunnel]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, fetus ahead!
Adrian Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Adrian Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c-- I can't go up there, I-- ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!

[Radio jockey Kenny Freedman introduces Willie Nelson and his band]
Kenny Freedman: We're back. I'm Little Kenny Freedman. You're listening to Three Chord Monte on KNGY. We are very excited to have live in our studio the legendary Willie Nelson. I know you've been reading a lot about Willie in the papers. Everybody seems to have an opinion on "the incident". But tonight, we're gonna forget about all that and enjoy the music. Willie, would you like to introduce the band?

[Randy has given Stottlemeyer an update on an arson fire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What did the fire marshal have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance. [pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah that's an interesting theory, Randy, but um... the guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.

[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]

[Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane (which Monk calls a "spittle shield")]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [After a few moments, Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames, which continue until Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher]
Adrian Monk: Hey, happy birthday.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I might reconsider that investment.

[riding up to meet Dale the Whale for the first time]
Sharona Fleming: Dale Biederbeck?
Adrian Monk: They call him Dale the Whale.
Sharona Fleming: I never heard of him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them. [they get off the elevator, their movements monitored by a camera] All right, I want everybody to be careful in there. This guy is smart. He's gonna try to bait you. Assume you're being videotaped. Do not accuse him of anything. Now, Monk, I don't have to remind you that this bastard's got deep pockets, and he's got a platoon of lawyers and he loves to use them.
Sharona: You met him? What happened? [They are interrupted by Dr. Vezza's arrival]

[Rufus pulls up to the MacMillan Museum in a van and hops out with some tulips]
Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys-
Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1: you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2: you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
Dirk: Not anymore.

[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]
Adrian Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona Fleming: That's my music.

[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]
Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.

[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]
Darryl Wright: Son of a bitch!
Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw!
[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]
Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.

[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]
Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.

[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.]
Sharona Fleming: Tired?
Lt. Randall Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona Fleming: [sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
Lt. Randall Disher: Crystal.
Sharona Fleming: [sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona Fleming: You have a picture?
Lt. Randall Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona Fleming: That's sad.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models! Thank you very much.

[Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have lost track of Monk after getting out of their cab]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where is he?
Masul the Cabbie: Who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The guy in the front seat, where is he?
Masul the Cabbie: The nut?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the nut! Where'd he go?
Masul the Cabbie: What is he complaining about? My taxi is very clean! Why is he wiping, wiping, wiping everything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sir, your taxi is perfect! But where did he go?
Masul the Cabbie: Look, I don't care! I never pick him up again! I see him again, I keep driving! I don't care if I lose my license! You tell him, I'll keep driving!