[Monk is searching Danny Bonaduce's car when Dexter Larsen spots him]
Dexter Larsen: Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh��you looking for something?
Adrian Monk: Did you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning?
Dexter Larsen: Why would you think that?
Adrian Monk: Somebody was smoking a cigar in here.
Dexter Larsen: Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Right, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros.
Dexter Larsen: Hmmm.
Adrian Monk: How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D'Souza?
Dexter Larsen: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked.
Adrian Monk: Right. How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You've taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I've taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something? [produces a photograph from an envelope] My research staff is first rate. She must have been nineteen, maybe twenty. You know what? Th��that's��that's my favorite age. Hungry with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.
Adrian Monk: What kind of man are you?
Dexter Larsen: I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now Sharona, she has a son, how old is he now?
Adrian Monk: He is twelve.
Dexter Larsen: Twelve. That's an impressionable age. I think we understand each other, don't we? Any more questions about what happened to Elliott?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dexter Larsen: You can let yourself out.

[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]
Policewoman: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]
Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?
Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Monk: Let the man speak for himself.
Man: I don't want any gravy!

[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
Adrian Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.

[Monk is trying to use Sharona to reenact the crime scene, but Sharona is getting confused by Monk's directions]
Adrian Monk: You... you enter from the right...
Sharona Fleming: You mean the left. That's stage left.
Adrian Monk: But it's on the right.
Sharona Fleming: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]
Sharona Fleming: My sister's an actress!
Adrian Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.
Sharona Fleming: [sardonically] Like you would know.

[Monk is unhappy with the annoying clown during the summation]
Adrian Monk: Everyone just accepted the fact that your foot was broken. [Floppy sticks up his oversized shoe and flips it back, pretending to be in pain] What is your problem?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, clown! Take a walk!

[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay -- I don't need the entire list.

[Monk just explained to Varla Davis what the boot tip means.]
Monk: Wipe.
Varla Davis: Wipe what!?
Monk: I say wipe and you give me a wipe. That's how it works.
Varla Davis: Well you better get over "it" fast!

[Monk knows that Kathy Willowby electrocuted her husband]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]
Adrian Monk: 95 percent.

[Monk looks at one of Brian Babbage's magazines]
Adrian Monk: He was looking for a lawyer.
Sharona Fleming: That's no surprise. He was suing his whole family.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. These are criminal lawyers. Look at the name he circled: �Scott Butterworth��.
Sharona Fleming: I know that name.
Adrian Monk: "Suspended twice." He was a hack. Brian Babbage could afford any attorney in town. Why would��why would anyone want to hire a bad lawyer?

[Monk meets Sharona's mother after being told several white lies]
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fleming.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.
Adrian Monk: Wipe?
Sharona Fleming: Not now.
Cheryl Fleming: Where's Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, he's not here. He's sleeping over at a friend's house.
Cheryl Fleming: You forgot I was coming, didn't you? No, that's all right. I understand. You're probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?
Sharona Fleming: Hey, Ma, you know what? There's, there's something I've got to tell you.
Cheryl Fleming: What? A bad review?
Adrian Monk: Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no, I'm fine, I've been sittin' all day.
Sharona Fleming: Ma, you know what? I think it's best that we sit down.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh.
Sharona Fleming: Something happened last night at the show. [Sharona and Cheryl sit]
Cheryl Fleming: Okay.
Adrian Monk: There was a stabbing.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, you mean, in the audience?
Adrian Monk: No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail��stabbed him.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I know. I read the script.
Adrian Monk: No, no, Cheryl. He died.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming: Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.
Adrian Monk: She's been arrested for murder in the second degree. There's a bail hearing tomorrow.
Cheryl Fleming: Gail?! [scoffs] No. I don't believe it. It's a mistake, right?
Adrian Monk: The police don't think so.
Cheryl Fleming: Well, they're wrong. Well, you're gonna help her, right? I mean, that's what you do. You're a couple of detectives, right?
Adrian Monk: Of course, we're going to help her. After all, we're��we're a couple of detectives. Right?
Sharona Fleming: Right.
Cheryl Fleming: Right.

[Monk notices that Kevin has picked up a pencil]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What is that?
Kevin Dorfman: Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a "collectible": you can look, but don't touch.

[Monk observes Stefan and Barbara Chabrol's behavior when a close friend, Bernard, comes up]
Bernard: Stefan!
Stefan Chabrol: Bernard.
Bernard: [chuckles] What a small world. Can you believe this?
Stefan Chabrol: No.
Bernard: I was just thinking about your father, God rest his soul. Are you heading back home?
Stefan Chabrol: Yeah, that's right.
Bernard: Yes, me too. I haven't seen you since the big anniversary party.
Stefan Chabrol: Ah! [Bernard turns to Barbara]
Bernard: Barbara, ravissante, comme toujours. ["Barbara, lovely, as always."] [He kisses her hand]
Barbara Chabrol: It's a pleasure to meet you.
Bernard: To meet me? Well, you don't remember. [laughs] You're breaking an old man's heart. I taught you how to waltz that night.
Barbara Chabrol: Oh, yes. Of course you did, I'm sorry, I'd forgotten.
Bernard: Moi, j'aurais pu jamais oubliee une soiree pareille. ["Me, I could have never forgotten that evening."]
Barbara Chabrol: I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Bernard: Since when? We spoke for over an hour. That was only three years ago.
Stefan Chabrol: Uh, Bernard.

[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]
Willie Nelson: You know more about me than I do.
Sharona Fleming: He knows more about everybody than they do.