[Monk and Stottlemeyer have viewed the scene where Frank Prager fired at Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: Maybe he's home for Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can't go near the place! The um, the wife filed a complaint against me. Said I had been harassing her.
Adrian Monk: Why would she say that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhh, probably because I'd been harassing her. [points his finger at Monk] She's never seen you.

[Monk and the other patients are painting their self-portraits]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Now remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong. [looks over one patient's work] Very good. I love those eyes.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?
[Jane Gordon sighs]
Adrian Monk: I-I-I need to wash up.
Jane Gordon: Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?
Jane Gordon: [takes a breath] Controlling the urge to lash out.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?
Jane Gordon: [sighs] Sorry.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.
Manny: Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!
Everyone: Santa Claus!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: All right, all right. [He looks at Manny's work] Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait. [We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]
Manny: [points to the little boy] That's me.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Hmm. Why are you so small?
Manny: Everybody's small compared to Santa. [Janie turns to Monk]
Jane Gordon: He actually sits up every night and waits for him.
Manny: I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.
Jane Gordon: It's August, whackjob!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[Monk approaches the homeless man that didn't want gravy]
Adrian Monk: Here, it is!
Man: I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: Are you serious?
Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you, I don't want it.
Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Monk: That's it.

[Monk believes that Marty has to be cheating]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Monk: Hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

[Monk can't concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Adrian Monk: It's over there.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
Natalie Teeger: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: [looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!

[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]
Adrian Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona Fleming: Where was it?!
Adrian Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona Fleming: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]
Adrian Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.
Agent Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
Adrian Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]
Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Monk: You're welcome.

[Monk has a date with Michelle Rivas]
Sharona Fleming: Are you excited?
Adrian Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.
Sharona Fleming: "Petrified and full of regret". Welcome to the world of dating.
[They walk around the remains of Alby Drake's tree to meet Stottlemeyer, who climbs over one of the fallen branches to meet them]
Adrian Monk: Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk. Sharona. I'm sure you've noticed by now that there used to be a big tree standing right over there.
Adrian Monk: What time?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 4:35 AM. A security guard heard somebody start up the bulldozer. Moments later, ch-ch-ch, "Timber!" Drake was dead on impact.
Lt. Randall Disher: He made a phone call though at around midnight.
Adrian Monk: To a payphone, right?
Lt. Randall Disher: You guessed it: Palo Alto.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, well it had to be to Brenner. He's the guy.
Adrian Monk: So not only is Winston Brenner alive and well, he's making sure that his old pals don't rat him out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's right. The FBI's calling at Palo Alto tonight. They want to compare notes; synchronize watches.
Adrian Monk: Ouch, whoa-whoa, I-I can't make it.
Sharona Fleming: He has a date.

[Monk has been buried alive.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want that backhoe ready and running! Keep it running! [to the search party] All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes. This is Monk, I want the best you've got! So we're gonna spread out and we're gonna work the grid, all right! We're looking for fresh dirt, tire tracks, footprints, anything! Let's go-go!
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! There's a problem; the cemetery's just expanded. They just tore down a restaurant over there. It's all dug up, like, an acre and a half. Monk could be anywhere.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's already been 20 minutes. Even if we find him, he'll be a basket case!

[Monk has been presumed dead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. [And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!] I HATE THAT MAN!

[Monk has inspected the knots Ricky has used to tie down his surfboard]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okeydokey.
Adrian Monk: Who's Marion?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You are. Marion the Librarian.
Adrian Monk: So, it's like a put-down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yup. It's a derogatory remark, Monk. What do you see?
Adrian Monk: [on Ricky] Oh, he's not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But the package was mailed to the old address.
Adrian Monk: Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They're a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So the feds--
Adrian Monk: Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Brian, but he's a dead end.
Lt. Randall Disher: Or practically dead.
Sharona Fleming: What do you mean?
Lt. Randall Disher: The guy's in a coma.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got t-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and--and stepped on the gas.
Lt. Randall Disher: It was my first car chase.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That didn't count. The guy didn't go half a block. You didn't get the car in gear!
Lt. Randall Disher: It counted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It wasn't a chase, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: We ran to the car.
Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh��four months ago. So, he wouldn't have known that his sister had moved.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Sharona] It counted.
Adrian Monk: I'd like to meet him.

[Monk has reduced a whole room full of Sapphire models to tears reading Trudy's last poem to him]
Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?
Model: I just want to go home.
2nd Model: Me, too.

[Monk inspects the propmaster's toolbox]
O'Dell: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I was just��nothing.
O'Dell: Hey, don't fiddle with the props. I've got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment's notice. I've been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought.
Adrian Monk: What was the��
O'Dell: The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it.
Adrian Monk: Really? Wow. I'm, uh, I'm Adrian Monk, and this is Sh--she's usually right here. This is a terrible week. I'll bet.
O'Dell: Hey, that wasn't my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them��I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this: [O'Dell pulls out and stabs himself with a prop knife]
Adrian Monk: Hey, whoa! [The knife retracts; O'Dell laughs]
O'Dell: Don't wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.
Adrian Monk: May I? [He holds the prop knife up]
O'Dell: See? It doesn't feel like a real knife at all, does it?
Adrian Monk: No.
O'Dell: She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. �Hell hath no fury,�� right?
Adrian Monk: And you're sure you put a fake knife on the stage?
O'Dell: I swear. I put it there myself, half an hour before curtain.
Adrian Monk: And there was nobody else here?
O'Dell: Nope. Except Jenna. Jenna Ryan, Gail's understudy. She was checking in. They check in before the show, see if anybody's sick.