Claire: Women in their thirties on the Internet, they're like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Claire: You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.
Phil: [Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.

Gloria: Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?
Manny: No its "I-E".
Gloria: Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
Manny: I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Gloria: I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter [laughing]. But just for a few times, I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died. [cut to Jay giving her a horrified look]

Gloria: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country!

Gloria: Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Gloria: The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.
Jay: Poor kid.
Gloria: I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.
Jay: But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.

Gloria: The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living!
Season 2

Javier: Hey, you're not leaving are you?
Manny: I've got school.
Javier: Wha-?! School!
Gloria: Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!
Javier: [points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?
Jay: He's weak.
Javier: Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.
Jay: I know but I kinda got work-
Javier: Pssh, work!
Manny: Go, Jay!
Gloria: Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!
Manny: Okay!
Gloria: NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!

Jay: [about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy's hilarious.
Gloria: OK, tell me one of his jokes.
Jay: Well, he doesn't do jokes.
Gloria: Does he have a mallet?
Jay: No.
Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head?
Jay: He doesn't get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake.
[Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera]
Jay: Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria: No I didn't.
Jay: It's a joke.
Gloria: I don't get it.
Jay: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Jay: [After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.
Mitchell: You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?
Jay: Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.
Manny: If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!

Jay: [To Gloria] I have to get old...You don't have to get fat.

Jay: I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Gloria: Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman... is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug...creates a tripping hazard...and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.