Cameron: [playing with Lily on his lap as Mitchell comes in] Hey daddy, how was the farmer's market?
Mitchell: Well, it was great but...guess what the new spinach is?
Cameron: Umm..radicchio?
Mitchell: [pulling a bunch out of his basket] Kale!
Cameron: [gasps] No!
Mitchell: I know, I was just as blown away as you are.
Cameron: Well, I guess we're going to have to...[leans close to Lily, claps and speaks in a very happy voice]...adopt, yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt!! [clap clap clap] a new vinaigrette! Adopt! Yaaay!
Mitchell: K, what's going on here?
Cameron: I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted [to Lily] Yay!
Mitchell: What did Oprah do now?
Cameron: Well, she had a girl on who, at sixteen, found out that she was [covers Lily's ears] adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.
Mitchell: [strained grin] Okay.
Cameron: Alright, go get your gavel, Judge Judy
Mitchell: No, not at all. I'm adopting [cheers, Cam claps near Lily] a tolerant attitude towards your flights of lunacy.
Cameron: [to Lily] Adopting! Yay!

Cameron: Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.
Mitchell: I do not!
Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?
Mitchell: [mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.
Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Cameron: [speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.
Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?

Claire: So where is she? Where's Mom?
Jay: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
Mitchell: [to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.
Claire: Oh no no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!
Jay: What!?!
Mitchell: No my god!!
Claire: Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"
Jay: What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!
[Mitchell and Claire give sarcastic looks at him and Gloria]
Jay: Don't say it.
Gloria: [slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.
Claire: Dad, what's going on over there?
Jay: She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Claire: We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.
Phil: That's how they always look at us.

Claire: Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything.
Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.
Phil: I was not listening.

Claire: [to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.
Jay: Really?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You have trouble showing affection in public places?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You?
Claire: [changes tone] Yes.
Jay: Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?
[The kids walk in]
Haley: Oh my god, what?!
Alex: You were arrested?
Luke: Awesome!
Claire: Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.
Jay:: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.
Claire: Dad...

Gloria: [to Jay and Manny, about learning to ride a bike] You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.
Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Haley: Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.
[Haley walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]
Claire: Are you kidding me?
Haley: What? I am her back then when she was hot.
Claire: I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.
Alex: I bet that's the first time you heard that.

Jay: [to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.
Phil: Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.
Jay: That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?

Luke: [Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?
Claire: Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.
Phil: Incredible game.
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: Mom, you look really pretty.
Claire: Thank you sweetheart.
Luke: So, what happened?
Phil: Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-
Luke: I mean, what happened in the game?
Phil: [After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."

Mitchell: [about his night with Tracy] After that I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.
Cameron: [to Lily, who stole the sunglasses] You naughty little girl!
Mitchell: Well, you know that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.

Mitchell: [reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."
Cameron: Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.

Mitchell: [talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Phil: "We like to think we are so smart, and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children, but if you scratch beneath the surface you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is it's kind of crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life."