Alex: [Enters the car] Hey mom-
Claire: That was 20 minutes.
Alex: Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh honey, why so sweet?
Alex: Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.
Claire: Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!
Alex: Oh my gosh!
Claire: Yeah, that's right!
Alex: Thanks mom!
Claire: Go on, have a great time!
[Alex leaves the car smiling, running to friends]
Claire: [Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.

Alex: Did you draw on my poster?
Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.
Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Haley: Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

Alex: What's Jägermeister?
Phil: Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle -- you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Cameron: Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.
Mitchell: Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.
Cameron: No, I don't.
Mitchell: Okay, your nephew's first birthday.
Cameron: That's not fair.
Mitchell: You brought a wind machine.
Cameron: To be fair, my vision was--
Mitchell: Cameron, you brought a wind machine.
Cameron: Who puts wheels on cribs?

Cameron: Hey, Phil... are you getting a Clown for today?
Phil: Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.
Cameron: Really?
Phil: Yeah, never really liked them
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has anyone?!

Cameron: It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Sidenote: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Cameron: Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.
Mitchell: Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: [Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!

Cameron: So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.
Claire: Hey guys! I brought orange slices.
Cameron: Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.
[Cameron and the girls leave the scene]
Mitchell: Thanks, Cam.
Claire: Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?
Mitchell: Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.
Claire: Yeah, 21 years ago...
Mitchell: Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...
Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Claire: [About Manny] Our son is not weird. What's weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

Claire: Denise? Do I know Denise?
Phil: Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.
Haley: Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.
Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom?
Phil: Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.
Claire: And thank you.

Claire: Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.
Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Claire: Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
Phil: One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.

Claire: Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant.

Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
Phil: We were serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.
Luke: I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go.
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.
Phil: I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.
Alex: What about 3:00?
Claire: No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.
Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.