Cameron: [playing with Lily on his lap as Mitchell comes in] Hey daddy, how was the farmer's market?
Mitchell: Well, it was great but...guess what the new spinach is?
Cameron: Umm..radicchio?
Mitchell: [pulling a bunch out of his basket] Kale!
Cameron: [gasps] No!
Mitchell: I know, I was just as blown away as you are.
Cameron: Well, I guess we're going to have to...[leans close to Lily, claps and speaks in a very happy voice]...adopt, yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt!! [clap clap clap] a new vinaigrette! Adopt! Yaaay!
Mitchell: K, what's going on here?
Cameron: I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted [to Lily] Yay!
Mitchell: What did Oprah do now?
Cameron: Well, she had a girl on who, at sixteen, found out that she was [covers Lily's ears] adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.
Mitchell: [strained grin] Okay.
Cameron: Alright, go get your gavel, Judge Judy
Mitchell: No, not at all. I'm adopting [cheers, Cam claps near Lily] a tolerant attitude towards your flights of lunacy.
Cameron: [to Lily] Adopting! Yay!

Alex: [Enters the car] Hey mom-
Claire: That was 20 minutes.
Alex: Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh honey, why so sweet?
Alex: Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.
Claire: Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!
Alex: Oh my gosh!
Claire: Yeah, that's right!
Alex: Thanks mom!
Claire: Go on, have a great time!
[Alex leaves the car smiling, running to friends]
Claire: [Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.

Cameron: Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.
Mitchell: I do not!
Cameron: Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?
Mitchell: [mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.
Cameron: You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Cameron: It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Sidenote: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Phil: [To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

Claire: You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.
Phil: [Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.

Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Cameron: Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.
Mitchell: Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.
Cameron: No, I don't.
Mitchell: Okay, your nephew's first birthday.
Cameron: That's not fair.
Mitchell: You brought a wind machine.
Cameron: To be fair, my vision was--
Mitchell: Cameron, you brought a wind machine.
Cameron: Who puts wheels on cribs?

Cameron: So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.
Claire: Hey guys! I brought orange slices.
Cameron: Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.
[Cameron and the girls leave the scene]
Mitchell: Thanks, Cam.
Claire: Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?
Mitchell: Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.
Claire: Yeah, 21 years ago...
Mitchell: Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...
Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Claire: Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.
Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Alex: Did you draw on my poster?
Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.
Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Haley: Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

Alex: What's Jägermeister?
Phil: Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle -- you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Claire: Denise? Do I know Denise?
Phil: Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.
Haley: Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.
Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom?
Phil: Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.
Claire: And thank you.

Cameron: [speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.
Mitchell: Cam, did you just sell our baby?

Cameron: Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.
Mitchell: Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: [Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!