Claire: Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
Phil: One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.

Claire: Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant.

Claire: So where is she? Where's Mom?
Jay: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
Mitchell: [to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.
Claire: Oh no no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!
Jay: What!?!
Mitchell: No my god!!
Claire: Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"
Jay: What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!
[Mitchell and Claire give sarcastic looks at him and Gloria]
Jay: Don't say it.
Gloria: [slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.
Claire: Dad, what's going on over there?
Jay: She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Claire: We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.
Phil: That's how they always look at us.

Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
Phil: We were serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.
Luke: I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go.
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.
Phil: I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.
Alex: What about 3:00?
Claire: No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.
Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Claire: Women in their thirties on the Internet, they're like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Claire: You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.
Phil: [Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.

Claire: Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything.
Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.
Phil: I was not listening.

Claire: [to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.
Jay: Really?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You have trouble showing affection in public places?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You?
Claire: [changes tone] Yes.
Jay: Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?
[The kids walk in]
Haley: Oh my god, what?!
Alex: You were arrested?
Luke: Awesome!
Claire: Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.
Jay:: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.
Claire: Dad...

Gloria: [to Jay and Manny, about learning to ride a bike] You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.
Jay: There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Gloria: Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?
Manny: No its "I-E".
Gloria: Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
Manny: I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Gloria: I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter [laughing]. But just for a few times, I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died. [cut to Jay giving her a horrified look]

Gloria: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country!

Gloria: Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Gloria: The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.
Jay: Poor kid.
Gloria: I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.
Jay: But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.