Gloria: The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living!
Season 2

Haley: Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.
[Haley walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]
Claire: Are you kidding me?
Haley: What? I am her back then when she was hot.
Claire: I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.
Alex: I bet that's the first time you heard that.

Javier: Hey, you're not leaving are you?
Manny: I've got school.
Javier: Wha-?! School!
Gloria: Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!
Javier: [points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?
Jay: He's weak.
Javier: Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.
Jay: I know but I kinda got work-
Javier: Pssh, work!
Manny: Go, Jay!
Gloria: Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!
Manny: Okay!
Gloria: NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!

Jay: [about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy's hilarious.
Gloria: OK, tell me one of his jokes.
Jay: Well, he doesn't do jokes.
Gloria: Does he have a mallet?
Jay: No.
Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head?
Jay: He doesn't get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake.
[Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera]
Jay: Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria: No I didn't.
Jay: It's a joke.
Gloria: I don't get it.
Jay: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Jay: [After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.
Mitchell: You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?
Jay: Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.
Manny: If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!

Jay: [To Gloria] I have to get old...You don't have to get fat.

Jay: [to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.
Phil: Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.
Jay: That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?

Jay: I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Gloria: Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman... is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug...creates a tripping hazard...and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Luke: [Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?
Claire: Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.
Phil: Incredible game.
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: Mom, you look really pretty.
Claire: Thank you sweetheart.
Luke: So, what happened?
Phil: Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-
Luke: I mean, what happened in the game?
Phil: [After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."

Manny: [after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?
Gloria: No one, Manny.
Jay: Why would you even think that?
Gloria: In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Manny: I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing has worked.
Jay: Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don't have either one of those things... you're gonna be the funny guy.

Mitchell: [about his night with Tracy] After that I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.
Cameron: [to Lily, who stole the sunglasses] You naughty little girl!
Mitchell: Well, you know that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.

Mitchell: [reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."
Cameron: Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.