Phil: [about Alex putting pressure on herself to do well on her exam] This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence and it puts a lot of pressure on you.
Claire: What about me?
Phil: Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Phil: [confessional] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

Phil: [on sex] It's like your shaking hands, but you're not using your hands. At all.

[Claire and Phil have had a fight earlier when Claire feels that Phil listens to everyone's opinion but hers]
Phil: Hey.
Claire: Hey
Phil: I wanna show you something.
Claire: Let me guess. It's a copy of the book that I begged you to read, but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.
Phil: [opens photo album in his hands] Remember this? [Claire murmurs assent] It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.
Claire: God, I hated that ponytail.
Phil: I know, you said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.
Claire: I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life....
Phil: No! No no no no you're the witch who saved me! [Claire looks stunned] Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. [gestures to his face] You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a, a salad here and there, but...I've got Claire all over me.
Claire: [smiles] You're about to. [kisses him]

[Haley walks in with a revealing nurse costume]
Claire: What the hell is that?
Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.