Manny: [after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?
Gloria: No one, Manny.
Jay: Why would you even think that?
Gloria: In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Manny: I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing has worked.
Jay: Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don't have either one of those things... you're gonna be the funny guy.

Mitchell: [To Cameron, who has been over complimenting their pediatrician] Take it down a notch, we're trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.

Mitchell: [To Cameron] Wow, paisley and pink? Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?

Mitchell: [To the Emergency Assistance] Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!

Mitchell: [To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!

Mitchell: It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. [mumbling] Fill her backpack with bricks, and throw her into Candycane River...

Phil: [After he and Mitchell pop a lock on a window of Mitchell & Cameron's house, of which they are locked out] If you show enough houses you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me...I'm completely clueless.

Phil: [To Dylan-Haley's boyfriend] Hey, come in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I'll catch you up. OK, so that guy is the tying run - interesting story about him: he's been stuck on second base forever, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea - how are you and Haley doing?"

Phil: [To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

Phil: [upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.
Claire: You don't like it?
Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.

Phil: Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.
Claire: You think I smother our children?
Phil: It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?

Phil: Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies [points to fake moustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say... that guy is high.

Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Phil: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything...except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh- I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods- but who knows?