Hawkeye: I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

Hawkeye: I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.
Margaret: Fine.
Hawkeye: Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.
Margaret: Uh-huh.
Hawkeye: One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).

Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.
Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
Trapper: I thought you said you were going to do something about this.

Hawkeye: I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.

Hawkeye: Je suis poulet a la poetry.
(Kyong Soon starts laughing)
Hawkeye: What?
Kyong Soon: What did you mean to say?
Hawkeye: That I'm pulled toward poetry. What did I say?
Kyong Soon (still laughing): You said you were a chicken!

Hawkeye: Klinger, come with me.
Charles: Klinger, you will do no such thing.
Hawkeye: I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.
Charles: Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.
Klinger: My God, I've been traded.
Hawkeye: Thanks for the lovely peasant.

Hawkeye: Klinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.
Klinger: I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!
Hawkeye: "Tugarraf?!"
BJ: That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.
Hawkeye: Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.
Klinger: That ain't part of the test!
Hawkeye: Yes, but how did you know?
Radar: He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!
Klinger: I am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!
Hawkeye: No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.

Hawkeye: Klinger, you should know better. The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person!

Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.
Trapper: All right.
Hawkeye: Let's never stop.

Hawkeye: Lie down and rest.
Klinger: I'd rather do it in my own bed.
Hawkeye: All right, go back to your tent.
Klinger: My bed in Toledo.

Hawkeye: Look at this! All my fleas are dead! [to Charles] MURDERER!

Hawkeye: Look, we both studied dead. This man is dead.

Hawkeye: Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. (Radar begins to cry) Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!

Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.