Hawkeye: Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.

Hawkeye: Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.
BJ: Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.

Hawkeye: Maybe I'm allergic to Charles; stuffiness makes me sneeze.

Hawkeye: Maybe they'd be interested in an exchange. We could keep Paik and give them Frank.

Hawkeye: Meat? Where'd you get meat? This is fantastic! Wait...where's the dog? (Sees the dog come in) This is fantastic!

Hawkeye: My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.

Hawkeye: Put out that cigarette, there's a lot of ether in there.
Sergeant: Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella!
Hawkeye: And I'm a captain, fella! Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you! So put it out!

Hawkeye: Say "hello," Trapper.
Trapper: Hello, Trapper.
Hawkeye: Isn't he clever? We had the bolts in his neck tightened yesterday.

Hawkeye: Sidney, what kept you?
Sidney: My jeep had a nervous breakdown.

Hawkeye: Thank, you Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a temperature of 109 stroke 10. I'm afraid you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go. Unless, of course, you go first.
Henry: Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
Hawkeye: [to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to ask you all to take a step up.
Trapper: Into Limbo!
Hawkeye: No, you can't have any Limbo. In fact, you can't have - anything - stroke nothing, which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.
Henry: Well everybody, happy days, stroke cheers.

Hawkeye: That does it, when this war is over I'm going home.

Hawkeye: That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.
Charles: You don't like the fellow, do you?
Hawkeye: No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.
Charles: That bad, hmmm?
Hawkeye: I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.

Hawkeye: The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.

Hawkeye: The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.

Hawkeye: There's been no one since you. Faint copies at best.