����Trapper John' McIntyre: Fore!
[Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills]

Radar' O'Reilly: Here they come!
Spearchucker' Jones: I don't hear nothin'.
Radar' O'Reilly: Wait for it.
Hawkeye Pierce : [writing to his father] You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter Dad. Let me see if I can put things in a better way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient.We care only about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty. We try to play par surgeon on this course. Par is a live patient.
[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]

Margaret Houlihan:[angrily] You're dismissed.
Hawkeye Pierce: Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Hawkeye Pierce: Sorry, baby.
Margaret Houlihan: That's Major to you!
Hawkeye Pierce: Sorry, Major baby.
Hawkeye Pierce: That's a woman all over.
����Trapper John McIntyre: Best place for them to be.

Hawkeye Pierce: Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
����Trapper John McIntyre: Is that a good place to stay?

Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!

Hawkeye Pierce: Ya know we gotta do it someday. Invite all the jokers from the north and the south for a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!

Hawkeye Pierce: What does everybody want here? What do these people want more than anything else?
����Trapper John McIntyre: To go home or to Tokyo, whichever comes first.
Hawkeye Pierce: What do they really want?
����Trapper John McIntyre: Sex!
Hawkeye Pierce: Ah!
����Trapper John McIntyre: Except for those baseball perverts.

����Trapper John McIntyre: You want to raffle off a nurse?
Hawkeye Pierce: Is that what I said?

Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?
Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?
����Trapper John' McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.
[simultaneously] Radar O' Reilly/ Henry Blake: Yes Sir?/ Radar

Henry Blake: Don't do that!
Radar O' Reilly: Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir?
Henry Blake: Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.
Radar O' Reilly: Yes sir, you wanted to see these? [pushing sheaf of papers to Henry]
Henry Blake: How do you know that?
Radar O' Reilly: That's why you called me.
Henry Blake: Oh yeah.
Radar O' Reilly: [reaching for different papers] You wanted me to take these sir?
Henry Blake: [absently] Yeah.

Hawkeye Pierce: [describing Lt. Dish] a girl with a face that doesn't quit. A girl with so much body she should be continued on the next girl.
Lt. Dish: Hawkeye I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?
Hawkeye Pierce: I'm engaged too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.
Lt. Dish: A girl can only take so much.
Hawkeye Pierce: Are we anywhere near that part yet?
[Margaret and Frank are watching Hawkeye and Maggie Dish through binoculars]

Margaret Houlihan: Sickening!
Frank Burns: Animals!

Frank Burns: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.
Trapper John Mcintyre: Swords or pistols?
Hawkeye Pierce: I was thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.
[watching Henry Blake leave the 4077th by helicopter]

Hawkeye Pierce: What's this?
Radar O' Reilly: Weekend passes for the raffle.
Hawkeye Pierce: When did he sign these?
Radar O' Reilly: When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream. Fudge ripple