(Father Mulcahy comes into the company clerk's office wearing a dress)
Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!
Klinger: Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!
Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?

(Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)
Hawkeye (from outside): Frank, are you in there?
Frank: They're trying to catch us at something.
Margaret: We're not DOING anything.
Frank: Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?

(Hawkeye and BJ in the Mess Tent)
Hawkeye: Well Beej what do you think this is? (Shows him letters)
BJ: You've been drafted.
Hawkeye: Their greetings all right from three nurses with no ounce of self respect. One of whom is in striking distance of sharing a delicious Bordeaux.
BJ: And a tasteless Pierce.
Hawkeye: Get your water ready. This might set the tent on fire. (reads first letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I think your contest is a wonderful idea. I really love good wine and I think it would be fun to share a few belts with you. Signed, Chastity."
BJ: That one came with its own cold water.
Hawkeye: Send that one to the dead letter office. (reads second letter) "Dear Hawkeye, Bordeaux is one of my favorite wines, along with Maneschevitz. (BJ laughs at remark) During a happier time my husband and I used to share many a bottle back in the states. Drinking this with you would bring back fond memories. Signed, Very Married."
BJ: All you get there is a swig and a missus.
Hawkeye: What is this world coming to? Everywhere I look morality.
BJ: Read on rebuffed.
Hawkeye: My heart is not in this anymore. (reads third letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I find you an incredibly exciting and vibrant man." I just had a rush of blood to my ego. "Your contest sounds like the perfect appetizer to a wonderfully intimate main course. I must admit wine does make me a little crazy but I'm sure it's nothing you cant handle." Oh this is a sick woman. "I hope you pick me Hawkeye. I have always thought you were all man. Every time you look in my eyes I turn to jelly. Signed, Sweet Preserves."
BJ: To think that that nurse is responsible for human lives.
Hawkeye: Home run. Turned her to jelly. What do you think is the look that jars her. Do you think its my :Rudolph Valentino:? Maybe it's the boy next door.

(Hawkeye is teaching Koreans to speak English)
Hawkeye: I will get the nurse.
South Koreans (with limited English): I will get the nurse.
Hawkeye: Frank Burns eats worms.
South Koreans: Frank Burns eats worms.

(Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)
Hawkeye: Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.

(in Father Mulcahy's tent planning a mortgage burning party for Colonel Potter)
Margaret: I think a party with a theme would be really cute.
Charles: Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?
BJ: There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?
Klinger: Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?
Charles: Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.

(in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)
Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?

(Klinger and Radar watch Sidney play a game of imaginary basketball with Hawkeye)
Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy, you gotta stand in line.

(Klinger has just brought Charles a bottle of Napoleon brandy)
Charles: Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.

(looking at Potter's painting)
Charles: That is either a horse or the RCA building.
Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
Charles: Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
Potter: Major go about your business.
Charles: I have no business.
Potter: Take a nap.
Charles: I'm not sleepy!
Potter: Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.

(Nurse Bigelow comes into the Swamp)
Hawkeye: Beej, I'm ready to face the storm. Secure me to her!

(Private Rich wakes up and sees Hawkeye looking at his chart)
Hawkeye: Oh, you caught me. I was just eavesdropping on your condition. These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one. Somebody asks how you're doing, you don't have to answer. Just show them your chart. So how are you doing?
(Private Rich touches the chart)
Hawkeye: Wise guy, huh?

(talking about Frank)
BJ: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

(talking to Dr. Pak)
Hawkeye: Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?
Trapper: And using hair cream for penicillin?
Hawkeye: I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.

(The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret jump for joy. A blood-drained Charles rests nearby)
Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
Charles: And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!