Frank: The name's Mantis, Mantis Toboggan, M.D

Frank: Well what about me?

Lawyer: You know what? This family, behind me, has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
Frank: That's bullbird man.
Charlie: Alright.
Frank: Whaddaya got there?
Charlie: Lemme handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. Look buddy, I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings, uh, I'm well educated, well versed. I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, are complex.
Lawyer: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler-plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well we're all hungry. We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough. Let's talk about the contract here.
Lawyer: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: Well I could ask you that very same question.
Lawyer: I went to Harvard.
Charlie: Ah, mhm.
Lawyer: How about you? Hm? Uh?
Charlie: I'm pleading the fifth, sir.
Lawyer: I'd advise that you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advice into cooperation, alright? Now what say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird-law and see how comes out the victor?
Lawyer: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp of the English language in general.
Charlie: (said as fly flies past his head) I, uh, well, filibuster!
Lawyer: Do you.. Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: Ah-yup!
Lawyer: Yeah, whats that mean?
Charlie: uhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHH!!!(proceeds to slam through the door)

Mac: Based off the story you just told me Charlie.......I believe those Santas were running a train on your mom.....based off that story you just told me.

Mac: Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?
Charlie: Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.
Dennis: What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?
Frank: I want to bang your Aunt Donna.
Dennis: Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?
Frank: Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.
Mac: Jesus Christ!

Mac: I do not appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.

Mac: I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Mac: The stem and then the, and the core?!
Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
Charlie: Yeah, it was gross.
Mac: Of course it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time dude!
Mac: Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...

Mac: I'm saying I did an ocular assessment of the situation garnered that he was not a security risk and I cleared him for passage.

Mac: Oh my god, salt the snail! Salt the snail! Go!

Mac: Okay, Frank, here's another idea..
Frank: Whoa! Whoa! Where'd you come from?
Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
Frank: Sorry, I'm a little...I'm a little lit. I've been going over this thing, I'm trying to figure out how...
Mac: How to bang Donna. I know. You've been talking about it for the last 5 miles.

Mac: Two guns! Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

Tabitha: You know I do offer group therapy.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Dee: What is this? What are you doing?
Dennis: What? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee: Yeah.
Dennis: Oh. you put wine in the soda can?
Dee: You didn't know did you?
Dennis: That is good.
Charlie: Ahh, you stole Frank's idea.
Dee: Yeah yeah yeah. Its actually is a pretty good idea.
Charlie: Well its a good idea. I mean the guy has great ideas.
Dee: He is a smart man, that is not what we're here about.

The Gang: [singing] Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! The eagle's born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don't you mess with his eggs now, or you'll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. 'Cuz we're birds of war now, but we're also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!
FRANK: It's time to take The Trash Man out of retirement!

(After everything at the waitress's bachelorette party goes awful)"
Frank: This is depressing. (To Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?
Artemis: You know it.
Dee: (angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!
Frank: Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.
Dee: Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! just get out of here!

(Dennis is walking through the fair while pushing an old lady in a wheelchair.)
Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis: Well, Gladys, we are at a fair, and you're going to pretend to be my grandmother.
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.