Dennis: We totally poisoned your asses!

Dennis: What are you doing here?
Mac: Oh, I'm doing the MAC.
Dennis: The MAC?
Mac: Yeah, The MAC: Move in After Completion.

Dennis: What kind of a person salts another human being? There's no joy in salting someone.

Dennis: You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear!

Dennis: You drew a man's buttocks on a towel!
Mac: Yeah. You get out of the shower in the college dorm, they got the butt, right, people are laughing --
Dennis: Oh, okay, yeah.
Mac: Your buddies are laughing. And then, and then you give 'em one of these. Boom.
Dennis: Oh, that is big.
Mac: That's a big monster dick.
Dennis: That's huge.
Mac: That's the biggest dick you ever seen.
Dennis: Yeah, that's really --
Mac: Right?
Dennis: That's not how you see yourself, though...
Mac: That's funny.
Dennis: That is funny.
Mac: That's funny.
Dennis: Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that.
Mac: But that's just a setup.
Dennis: What is it?
Mac: For this. Ding-ding-ding!
Dennis: Oh, it's a baby dick!
Mac: Yeah. We're gonna sell a million of these.
Dennis: We are gonna sell a million of those, dude.
Mac: We'll do black ones and yellow ones, for the Asians.
Dennis: Yeah, that...
Mac: This is probably more Asian than anything else.
Dennis: Dude, yeah, oh my gosh.
Mac: Maybe a little bit more bush.
Dennis: Well, you know what we should do? We should set up a website for it.
Mac: Already did it.
Dennis: What? You did?
Mac: Dick towel dot com.

Dennis: You know guys, I think this means that we've been relying on our parents too much, and we need to stick together and make our own Christmas good!
Mac: Dude you're right! Listen I got something to do, but we're gonna do it together!
(Gang walks out of hospital room)

Dennis: You mean to tell me you got you face painted like a god damn frog person with no ulterior motive?
Ben: I'm a lizard!

Frank: All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank: Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.
Dee: Nice one.

Frank: How do kids study on this god damn ritterall? I can't stop grinding my teeth

Frank: I got my magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds; I'm ready to plow!

Frank: I'm doing this jerk-off's taxes. Next year, the IRS will audit the piss out of him!

Frank: Look how loose his jeans are!!

Frank: See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.
Dennis: Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.

Frank: Snortski...Oooohhhhhh!

Frank: So the Wendy's manager was like "You gotta clean dat up!" and I was like they're your hamburgers you clean them up. Artemis was all bummed out about something I did to myself with the onions and now she won't talk to me.