Dennis: Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!

Dennis: Oh,do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.
Dee: No, no I'm not gonna peel an apple for you.
Dennis: But Mac always does it for me.
Dee: Why does Mac peel apples for you?
Dennis: He doesn't like for me to eat the apple with the skin on it. He said the skin is loaded with toxins.
Dee: Ok, well good news Mac's not here.
Dennis: I know he's not here and that's why I need you to do it for me please, please.
Dee: Ah! Jesus just eat it with the skin on.
Dennis: [panicking] I do not like it with the skin Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin, I'm not allowed!
Dee: Oh my god alright if you just shut up I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me, give it to me. I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?

Dennis: Oh-ho-ho, you just couldn't stand it, could you? You couldn't stand Dennis Reynolds...reigning on high! King of all the school! Master of everybody! You couldn't stand it, so you had to turn everybody against me.
Tim Murphy: Dude, listen to yourself. Nobody turned anybody against you. You were never really that cool to begin with.
Adriano: Seriously, man. You would just come around saying weird shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap. And referring to all of us as your minions.
Tim: You always acted like you were better than everybody else, but then you'd just go and you'd hang out with Ronnie the Rat or Dirtgrub under the bleachers or behind a Dumpster or something. It was...it was really weird.
Dennis: Okay. Well, if I wasn't the coolest guy in the school, then why did you have to try to tear me down by sleeping with my prom date?
Tim: I didn't sleep with your prom date.
Dennis: YES YOU DID!
Tim: No, I didn't. [points to Mac] Ronnie the Rat did.
Dennis: Wait, what?
Tim: Ronald McDonald slept with your prom date. Did he tell you I slept with her? I never would've slept with that chick. She was gross.

Dennis: Seriously Rex? You're just gonna step right in there?
Rex: I wanna win bro, billboard.

Dennis: So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here, we are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly, that's a big issue these days and we're here with our friend Cricket, he is a homeless man. Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.
Rickety Cricket: A day in the life-- well, the other morning, I wake up and I find a dog sniffin' at my wound. He's fully aroused - mind you - so I'm thinking "oh great, what does this jerk want?" Of course I know what he wants, he's looking at me right in the eyes, he does not have to say it - not that he could. [Starts sucking on a lemon] Urrggghhhh that is- that is tart! That is really tart. I mean does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know, maybe, I don't know, I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog! I mean that's God's work. Well, not that I believe in God, I don't. Not since that chinaman stole my kidney.

Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.

Dennis: So... if you like the Virgin Mary, and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub! We got 'em both.

Dennis: Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Dennis: Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear.
Dennis: No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power-bottoms.
Frank: What's a power-bottom?
Mac: A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?
(notices that Corporate Guy has left)
Mac: Goddammit!

Dennis: That's all our money!
Charlie: No, it's all my money. You lost your money when you said no to the trucker.

Dennis: The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy top side, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse...because of the implication.
Mac: Okay you had me goin' there for the first half. The second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Ah there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"
Mac: Okay. That seems really dark.
Dennis: It's not dark, you're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said 'no', then the answer is obviously 'no'. But the thing is she is not gonna say no. She would never say 'no', because of the implication.
Mac: Ok, now that's the second time you've said that word, what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.
Mac: ... But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you..
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this?

Dennis: This Jew's in for a ton of work.
Mac and Charlie: WHOA!
Dennis: Whoa, what?
Mac: Come on, man! You can't say things like that!
Dennis: I don't know what I said. What'd I say?
Charlie: Uh, you dropped a hard "J" on us.

Dennis: Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
Wendell: All right, I get it.
Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
Wendell: Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
(Both Dee and Dennis wince)
Wendell: Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis: Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don't like where this is headed.

Dennis: We totally poisoned your asses!

Dennis: We're really sorry Charlie, but it was dark, we didn't know it was you... and you were robbing the register.
Charlie: Yeah... still wish you hadn't shot me.