Ted: How many days are there in October?
Barney: Ah, thirty?
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to last year]
Barney: [as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]
Ted: [in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!

Ted: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.

Ted: Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily: Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted: THAT'S KATE HUDSON!
Lily: Oh yeah...That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Ted: Mary, I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.
Mary: No Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: You're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: No, you're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: [pause] You're a paralegal.

Ted: Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?
Lily: Stella.
Barney: Zoey.
Marshall: Karen?
Lily: The girl who beat you up.
Barney: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
Marshall: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
Ted: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads, and I got pulled over. So then a police officer swaggered over and said, 'Ma'am, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could!'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here, as fast as she can.

Ted: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Ted: Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: [pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?
Season 3

Ted: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
Barney: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...[sees Marshall and Ted smile] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! [leaves the coffee shop]
Ted: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.
Ted: Psssh.

Ted: So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.
Ted: Or maybe...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in a second.
Kathy: So I volunteered at the pound.
Lily: Oh isn't that nice!
Kathy: You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]
Ted: Or...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.
[Barney spits out his water]

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]
[Everybody walks past Barney except Marshall, who giggles and gives him a high-five]

Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!
Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: ...we are international businessmen!

Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.
[Flashback to Barney with different girls]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Ohhhhhh.....
[back to present]
Barney: So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible
Ted: Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
[flash to Robin and Ted at the altar]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ted: I love you.
Robin: I used to be a dude.
Ted: Ohhhhhh.....