[First scene of the series, in 2030]
Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.
Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?
Future Ted: No.
Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life...

[Ted just saw Robin]
Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

Ted: [talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.
Marshall: So you gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm 'ASKING HER OUT'. So how do I ask her out... without asking her out?
Lily: Did you guys get high?

Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]
Ted: Guys... BOUNDARIES!

Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!
Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.
Barney: ...we are international businessmen!

Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGEN-wait for it-DARY.

Barney: Booger.
Ted: Yes, hello Barney.
Robin: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.
Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.
Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.
Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!
Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]
Natalie: [after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?
Ted: I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know it's just...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery--
Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?
Ted: I can't explain.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?
Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: So I'm stupid?
Ted: What's going on?
Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-
Natalie: WHAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...
Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.
Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.
[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]

Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!
Ted: What!? [begins to laugh]
Barney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you were grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, [Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.

Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.
Lily: [waits a few seconds] I think I know how to get us in. Follow my lead. [walks to the front of the line and flashes the bouncer]

Lily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.
Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.
Lily: [As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!
Marshall: Again?
[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]
Ted: Where are you going?
Marshall: It's... an elaborate costume.

Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

Lily: Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"
Ted: Okay... I get it!

Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

[Flashback]
Marshall: So when Lily and I get married... who gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
[Present Day]
Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!