Barney: Booger.
Ted: Yes, hello Barney.
Robin: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.
Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.
Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.
Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!
Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

Barney: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

Barney: Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer: The slap will occur in ten-
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!
Lily: Barney, put it away!
Barney: I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-
Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney: What?? Wait, you-
Computer: Two, one.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's three!

Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans -- sometimes those two overlap -- coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course -- wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have -- pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

Barney: I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...
Marshall: I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!

Barney: If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.
[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]
Barney: Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.
Ted: [mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?
Barney: Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.
Ted: So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney: Oh, it's just me.
Ted: Then what's the point, then?
Barney: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney: I get Bingo.

Barney: If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Barney: It's robots versus wrestlers!

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: If Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. [they all laugh] Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squealer." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boni." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Barney: May I have everybody's attention? [Everyone ignores Barney] It's for the bride. [Everyone stops talking and looks at him]

Barney: Now remember my three beginner's tips for picking up chicks: address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.

Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she's from a different area code?
Barney: She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.

Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Robin Mosby.
Barney: Robin Stinson.
Ted: Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!
Barney: Okay wait. How about this we share her. I'll take her until she's forty and you can have her after that
Ted: Who are we kidding. She's with Don now. We just have to accept that and move on
Barney: You're right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then skid out.