Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!
Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney: I just called it.
Robin: You can't just call things!
Barney: I call that I can call things!

Barney: So what do you think of Robin?
Ted: Barney, I really need to get to work, so...
Barney: Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]
Barney: Okay, but Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?
Ted: I'm with you, buddy.
Barney: You are now, because I explained it to you. [embraces him]

Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!
Ted: What!? [begins to laugh]
Barney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you were grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, [Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.

Barney: Ted, I have to tell you the truth. I'm in love with [sees Robin] tacos. What are you doing?
Robin: I'm, uh, taking out the triz-ash. If you're, uh, looking for Ted, he left. Our little arrangement is, uh, over, by the way.
Barney: Really? That's aws... ful.
Robin: Awfsful?
Barney: Yeah, it's just awfsful. What happened?
Robin: Ah, he just insisted. He said he couldn't do it anymore because “someone's gonna get hurt.” Think we all know who he meant by that.
Barney: Do we?
Robin: Isn't it obvious?
Barney: Is it?
Robin: Yeah. It's Ted. You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like...
Barney: I love you.
Robin: Exactly. He's not like you, you know? Besides, we're friends. I don't want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out. So, uh, you want to get a taco?
Barney: A taco?
Robin: You love them, remember?
Barney: Right.
Robin: Come on, I'm hungry.
Ted: (voiceover) So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right: when two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt... it just wasn't one of us.

Barney: The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-pocalypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.

Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin: Of course there are.
Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily: You can not be more evil.
Barney: Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Bilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!
Office Jerk: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!
[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]
Barney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
Marshall: I don't have a back door.
Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: Right, well, I'm engaged.
Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: We're still engaged.
Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!

Blah Blah: You guys dated? For how long?
Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.

Carl: Hey Marshall, what are you having?
Marshall: What I'll have, oh I don't know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!
Carl: Oh, I'm sorry. That painting is property of the bar.
Marshall: I know that Barney gave you that painting!
Carl: I don't know what you're talking about...
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you that plus ten bucks!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!
Carl: I doubt it.

Doug: You're supposed to pour the milk first!
Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
Doug: It tastes better milk first!
Robin: It tastes the same!
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.

Future Ted: If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.

Future Ted: Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...
Ted: [to Stella] Will you marry me?
Future Ted: Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.
[Flashbacks to every possible response]
Stella: No.
[Next response]
Stella: Oh, god no!
[Next response]
Stella:[bursts into laughter] You want me to marry... No.
[Next response]
Stella: Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from the high school football team, already asked me.
Mark Johnson: What's up, turd?
Ted: It's TED!
[Back to present time]
Future Ted: But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...
Stella: Yes.

Future Ted: Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.